Kissing Him Made Me Cry

Time standing still tends to be a misnomer most of the time. Time flying is usually more accurate in this busy rush of a world. Caught up in the hustle and bustle, lost to the drama unfolding around my life, sometimes the only way to capture a really good moment is to steal it away.

Standing in the shower the other day, easing the bubbles out of my hair, my husband stepped into the room to ask me about a work related dilemma. Had we been in our honeymoon phase, wife plus shower would never equal work. Settled into monotony, my steamy abyss was reduced to another local to find the person of the house who deals with the problems.

The moment presented itself and I took it as my own. Answering the question with a solution, I proceeded to solve a dilemma of my own. I invited my man to join me in my steamy chamber. Stealing away moments have taught us how to act fast, fulfill need and desire promptly, before capture by phone, child or other such demanding responsibility. After our quick and steamy encounter, the moment hung around. No knock at the door disturbed us. No ring of the phone, nor demanding deadline on the brain. Nothing but... nothing. The gift to linger longer presented itself. I grabbed my lover's face and locked on deep and hard. 

A feeling rose from my belly. Passion and pain mixed in a swirling sea of deep love and longing. Holding him close, his body warm, wet, strong and safe, I missed him dearly. Almost desperately. Realization overwhelmed me. How long had it been since we truly connected? Daily discussions are a given as are gentle touches as we pass each other by. His career allows him to work from home presenting the opportunity to be together every second of every day. But how long has it been since we were truly together? Heart and soul?

Holding our lip embrace I allowed the tears to flow followed by laughter at the insanity of it all. How dreadfully much I missed the man who is with me almost every moment of every day. One overwhelming  lip-lock moment of love and longing, passionate lust and pain, striking deep down to my core. Emotion welled up and the water instantly washed it away. It was as if I struck emotional climax.

I stepped out of the shower, wrapped a warm soft towel around myself and smiled, as contentment settled in for a spell.

Love is good.

Positive

I created the above image for my mother who struggles with chronic negativity. It prints perfectly on 4x6 index cards. I am gifting my mother with a small stack of printed cards to place around her house as reminders with the hope that she is willing to embrace the challenge of working to change her thoughts, thus allowing her life to follow suit. I printed out a few for myself as well. I am hoping I succeeded in posting the image above in a format you (dear reader) will be able to save and print in the event you would like a reminder as well. (I chose the colors according to the intended recipient's decor.)

Anew

anew - adv 

1: over again 

2 : in a new form

August

anew month

anew chance

anew attitude

anew experience

anew outlook on life

Welcome to August!

A new opportunity to leave behind any negativity and start anew.

Quiet

   
Sorry I have been quiet again lately. Life has taught me a lot of lessons this past year (my whole life really) and I have been experiencing more periods of introspect which causes me to avoid my blog. I tend to keep things light here. Not too heavy, not too personal. Even now I am fidgeting in my seat and contemplating getting up to do something else (anything) rather than share this story.

     The reason for the title of my blog (Cranial Purge) was to dump some of the overflow of thought that runs through my brain. I cannot dump it all or I would never get off the page as my mind produces enough thought to fill a gazillion pages. That being said, I tend to be very selective about what I do share attempting not to get too personal (for fear of judgment), not wanting to write about anything that might be even a tad controversial (as I fear confrontation), not wanting to work too hard at succeeding (for fear of failure) and on and on.

     My whole life has been spent in fear. It is depressing, scary, stifling and paralyzing. Last year I chose to work with the word "faith" all year. The Universe must have taken that as a challenge as it was one of the hardest years I have ever been dealt (and I have been through hell in the past my friends). It was also perhaps the most growth inducing. It is also the reason for my year (plus) on-again-off-again relationship with my blog.

     Faith and trust seem to be the opposite of fear and I was challenged to embrace both through some very difficult times. Almost a year ago I was faced with some information that nearly ended my marriage. A month later I faced a diagnosis with the potential to be life threatening. Two very large pills to swallow back to back with little time and no water. Talk about fear. First I had to face raising four children alone. Then I had to face the fact that I might not be around to raise my four children at all.

     I cried my way through much of last year. I chose to stay in my marriage and we have been working tirelessly to fix what was broken. I have worked with medical professionals as well as dietary and holistic work to heal my body. I have been reading and researching and practicing affirmations, mindfulness, yoga, meditation and anything else I can get a hold of to heal my mind. I stuck with the word Faith to connect with soul.

Body, Mind, Soul

     I have been diligently doing the work to keep all three healthy and whole. I will continue to do so praying for it all to stick.

     Most recently, I have been helping to clean and caretake for a friend's (more like a sister) father who is dying of cancer. He is losing his battle quickly. Much faster than anyone imagined. He is ready. He wants to move on. He misses his wife whom he lost unexpectedly a mere eight months ago. He hopes to be reunited. The pain of hanging on has been hardest for him.

     I cannot help but wonder if the humbling gift of caring for Barry during this time may have been given to me as a precursor for what is to come. My own Stepfather (really a father) has stage four terminal lung cancer. He has been fighting like a champ, but his news recently was not good. It is a much more personal battle as the loss will be extremely painful.

     Life is precious. Life is fragile. Life is fleeting.

     I look at life differently than I did a year ago. Life used to be spent in survival mode. Now I am learning to live. My ridiculous sense of humor and my crazy will to survive has gotten me this far (without becoming a raging alcoholic, drug addict, or angry suicidal maniac)but it has not been a very good existence. 

     Now, my eyes are open, my heart is open and I am trusting and embracing my precious life for all it has to offer. This year I chose the word "love" and I am starting with myself. Self-love starts with self-acceptance, at least for those of us that lack it. 

Imagine if every child were taught self-love. Imagine how much better the world would be. When you truly value yourself (I'm not talking in a narcissistic, egotistical way), you see how important your life is and you can project that out to others. You can see that each person, regardless of their wounds, quirks, attitudes, are perfectly imperfect just like you.

     I'm not saying to spend time with people who are hurtful, mean, abusive, manipulative or in any other way damaging to you. That would not be practicing self-love. In those cases, simply wish them well, send them love and move on. I am really starting to see that love truly IS the answer.

     Do me a favor, would you please? Take a moment to send some love out into the world. List your gratitudes. Feel your heart swell when you think of those you love. Look in the mirror and smile and be thankful for the gift of your life and fall in love with yourself. Imagine those in the world who are suffering, hurting, lonely. Send them love. Imagine your love frequency moving out into the universe, combining with all the other love being sent out. Let's wrap this planet in love, shall we? 

     Yup. I'm sappy and strange like that. A year ago I might not have posted this post. Now? I lose the fear of judgment, have faith that my words will land with those who need them, and love everyone. Yup. Even the haters. After all, they are the most in need of love.

We are so small yet so powerful. Use your power for good.



This was a heavy post. If you read through to the end, I thank you for staying as I feel my message is an important one. Tomorrow, I have a funny for you to lighten the mood! I am seriously considering a second blog for heavy. This poor blog never did have much direction. Perhaps I can have my fun here and keep the heavy on another page. We'll see. For now, I send you off with love.

No Time

"I'm late! I'm late! For a very important date!"

Before I head out today

I wanted to share 

these.

I'm trying to get more comfortable at putting myself out there. I am a student of encaustics. Not a perfectionist, not a brilliant artist, just someone who shows up to the medium to see what lessons it will be teaching me that day.

I am hoping to list them in my Etsy Shop soon.

Have a brilliant and lovely day!

Balance

life

balance

finding center

dancing without falling

playing, praying, searching

moments overflow with pleasure

crash into each other with such force

finding self upside down and inside out

unable to breathe, unable to find the light

twist and turn, find footing, stand tall and firm

the light above shining down with such love

always there for the taking, just waiting

to be noticed again, grasped again

shines down onto crown

filling you whole

entire soul

lit up

Live for the Moment

I need neither future nor past, but to learn to take today not too fast.  ~Jeb Dickerson

“Dost thou love life? Then do not squander time, for that's the stuff life is made of.”

~ Benjamin Franklin 

“The purpose of life is to live it, to taste experience to the utmost, to reach out eagerly and without fear for newer and richer experience.”  ~ Eleanor Roosevelt

“Leave the problems of God to God and karma to karma. Today you're here and nothing you do will change that. Today you are alive and here and honored and blessed with good fortune. Look at this sunset, it's beautiful, neh? This sunset exists. Tomorrow does not exist. There is only now. Please look. It is so beautiful and it will never happen ever again, never, not this sunset, never in all infinity. Lose yourself in it, make yourself one with nature and do not worry about karma, yours, mine, or that of the village.”  ~ James Clavell 

A Slice of Life

A Slice of My Life

This is what life looked like.

On that day.

At that time.

Sitting in my van waiting for my son during soccer practice.

Been sick. Couldn't find the tissue box.

TP will do.

Book bag on the floor full of library books to return.

Smaller bag on seat with journal and current read ready to go.

My phone, used tissue, green tea in my favorite mug.

Oh yeah. And reading glasses as it appears my eyes are aging.

This is a slice of my life.

Unedited

As Is

Not Staged

No Apologies

Real Life

I don't think we see enough of this on the internet.

I know I don't.

I see pretty images.

I see edited photos.

I see staged shots.

While lovely to look at, they tend to make real life seem inferior after a while.

I wander around the web looking for inspiration and leave feeling like something is lacking.

I wanna see real life relatable shots for a change! 

Even if it's just for one blog thread.

What does your real life look like?

C'mon! Indulge me!

Love your life as is!

Every slice!

Share with me!

(I would love to learn how to do one of those 'add your link here' things. For now, please share a link to your every day pic(s) in the comment section. I double dog dare you!) 

Quiet

This blog has been quiet lately

I have been feeling quiet.

It feels good so I'm going with it.

I have taken to walking in the wee hours of the morning.

The light is absolutely irresistible.

The sun slowly rises and peeks through the trees like a child peering out from the covers,

"Is it morning yet?"

The rays stretch long and hard.

Day breaks through dusk with full serenade from feathered friends.

We splurged.

A canoe.

Early birthday present for yours truly.

Not in the budget.

Value of peace and serenity?

Priceless!

It's been a long, hard summer.

I have spent a lot of time thinking, reflecting, learning. 

The rest of the summer will be spent living in the moment

appreciating exactly what is in front of me.

Which is everything.

The Climb

I am a vine

climbing toward glory

clinging to my path the best I know how.

Dark skies move in carrying dangerous winds.

I am tried and tested.

I cling tight.

Reaching and stretching, gaining and growing.

My roots may be short but my reach is long.

I climb on.

Unwelcome guests may enter my space

pulling and tugging,

attempting to sabotage my growth.

I see the light and climb

higher and higher

drawing sustenance from that which grounds me.

Some days leave me tattered and torn.

Weathering storms and droughts

my will is strong.

Do you see me as weed,

as leaf, as vine?

I know God sees me as purely divine.

With Faith, I climb on.

Pondering the Struggle

Early morning.

Lying in bed with my love.

The birds wake, stretch, sing.

Earth quenching rain pouring down.

Trees dancing in the breeze as their thirst is met by the clouds.

Pondering the magic of life.

I am happy.

Sadness spontaneously washes over.

Life is beautifully amazing

yet such a struggle.

There is so much struggle.

When we get wrapped up in survival,

we don't really live.

Back I fall again.

Back into the moment.

My head rises with every breath of my husband's chest.

His heart beats strong and loud.

The birds are still singing,

trees dancing,

rain quenching.

Once again I am happy.

I am present.

I am alive.

I live.

Take time to live in the moment.

(Key word, live.)

Bittersweet

photo and quote original   -   ©Lynn Retzlaff

A Bit Lost

If you know my blog, you know I have been MIA finding myself on hiatus for personal reasons.

While I was gone...
~ my heart broke but is now on the mend
~ I feared for my life then found hope that all will be well
~ I almost drown in a river of tears until I finally landed ashore
~ I realized I was blind to much and have since opened my eyes
~ I nearly lost faith only to land deeper in than I ever imagined


I have grown in self and in spirituality.It has been a very personal journey and it has changed me. I have been back for a few weeks now and am eager to jump back into blog mode, yet every time I sit down to the blank page, it feels different. I'm not sure how to approach the page anymore. 


I've sat and pondered, created and deleted, ignored the page, attempted a don't-think-just-do post, all with the end result being trashed instead of published. Today I decided the best route back is the route of honesty. This post might not be my best, it might not even make sense, but it is honest.


Things I have been working on...
affirmations
gratitude
attitude
intention
self-love




I thought the following quote would make a wonderful affirmation. It is supercharged by the addition of one of my children's hands holding a piece of childhood magic gifted by Mother Nature. We call them "blow flowers" in our house.

Photo of my son's hand holding a "blow flower" as we call them.   © Lynn Retzlaff 

Thank you to all who have read my blog in the past and for those of you who are still hanging in there. Your love and support means a lot. Please bare with me while I find my footing. I am hoping to settle back into a comfortable posting routine again real soon.


Love to all.

Odd One Out

Cutesy, little, fun encaustic piece.

Odd One Out

Speaking of fun...

The kids and I went for a walk on a local trail.

We spotted a vine that hung from the trees across the trail.

My son tried it first.

Darling Daughter was second.

Doesn't it look fun? Yeah! That's what I thought.

This is me thinking I'm young and light like a child!

I grab the vine, head up the little hill...

What you don't see is me lying flat on my back on the

right side of the path!!! Oh the vine worked alright. 

I didn't get enough height so I yanked real hard trying to

pull myself higher. SMASH!!!! Down went the vine.

Down I went. Flat on my back lying in the ditch on the

on the right side of the path. It knocked the breath out of me,

jolted my neck and cut up my arm! Am I getting too old for this stuff? Never! I got right back up and laughed my butt off!

My son (bless his heart) came rushing over out of concern.

If it would have been my oldest, he would have seen this as

the perfect photo op!!! Can't say that I would blame him!

"You cannot always wait for the perfect time, sometimes you must dare to jump. Life is all about risks and it requires you to jump. Don't be a person who has to look back and wonder what they would have or could have had. No one wait forever."   ~ Mark Twain (I believe)

Being Real

 I have been sitting at the computer for over a half an hour writing and re-writing this post.

Part of me wants to dump a long story on the page.

Part of me wants to hide my struggle.

The part of me that won is the part of me that likes to keep things simple and real.

This is me.

Simple

and

Real

Flaws and all.

 I was standing outside of my vehicle talking to an acquaintance this past weekend.

One of my kids, waiting inside, grabbed my camera and (unbeknownst to me) snapped this shot.

A few days later, I uploaded the weekend photos to my computer. I found this picture.

My hand instantly went to the delete button.

Common practice. I am the one behind the camera. Not the one in the pictures.

I see this picture and I see a dirty window, a wrinkled face, a goofy expression.

I see myself and I judge and criticize and condemn (over and over and over).

I see others and I love and embrace and accept.

Why am I so hard on myself? Why do I find it hard to look at myself?

~ ~ ~

This picture is taken of me as seen through my child's eyes.

This person is who my children unconditionally love.

They don't judge me, criticize me, tear me down.

This is the same person who my friends lift up and love.

What do they see that I don't? 

Perhaps a better question would be, why don't I see what they do?

On the surface I do a fairly good job of self-acceptance (for the most part), flaws and all.

Laugh it off, toughen up, nobody's perfect. Right?

Deep down it's a different story. When I get to the core, I don't let anything go.

I condemn myself and judge myself to the harshest degree.

I have been digging deep lately and have realized that my harshest self-punishment

has been the condemnation of my young self. I was severely mistreated and I blamed myself.

All these years I have held onto the self-hate and loathing.

The sick feeling that it was my fault. That I deserved it. That I was worthless, expendable.

Why was I so weak? Why did I allow it? I blamed myself.

Why has it always been so much easier to accept and forgive others?

Even those who have hurt or betrayed me?

Perhaps because I never saw myself the way I see others. As a person. Someone who matters.

Seeing myself through my child's eyes has created a change in perspective for me.

I am really looking at myself (possibly) for the first time.

My eyes have opened WIDE. I want forgiveness.

I want to learn to forgive myself and ask God to forgive and heal me.

Body, mind, soul.

 

Looking again at my children, I now see the youth in me.

If my children were ever as scared or injured as I was when I was young, would I condemn them?

Judge them? Blame them? Continuously punish them?

Never!

I would love them, hold them, heal them.

If they didn't know how to protect themselves, to fight back, to not be a victim,

would I lay continuous guilt on them?

No! I would empower them and teach them and embrace them.

If their reaction, retaliation and coping mechanisms to the pain were not pretty,

were harmful, were wrong, would I brush them aside and let them continue to destroy themselves?

Again, the answer is no.

I would hold them tight, let them kick, scream and cry.

Let them get all the ugliness out and I would fill the space with love and light.

 Pardon me while I weep.

Lesson learned.

Time for the healing to begin.

More Choices

 Good Morning Blog Land!

 I'm happy to report that my days are looking brighter and my mood has lifted considerably. Part of this new found lease on life is due to the time I have had to heal and the work I have been doing to heal what woes me. Part of it is due to the warmth and love of those around me who reached out with supportive embraces and threw lifelines for me to grab if needed. Another part of healing my heart is my recent epiphany about choices. (Read my last post on choices if you're not sure what I'm referring to).

When I was at my lowest, feeling devastation and heartbreak, I lost all faith. If you're a regular reader of my blog, you will know that "faith" happens to be my word of the year. I was warned (by my soul sis Elena) that picking a word for the year is entirely different than when a word picks you. "When one picks you" she warned, "watch out!" She wasn't kidding!!!!!

One not so great feeling I experienced during my recent life upheaval was the loss of joy. I felt as if the joy was sucked right out of me. When the clouds started to clear and my heart started to heal, I thought about joy and how much I missed it. Remembering my new daily choice ritual, the decision was made to put joy at the top of my daily choice list. When I think of joy, one of the people I think of is Ashley from Li'l Blue Boo. She is an amazing woman with a beautiful family, strength of steel and an uber fun blog and business! She is a huge proponent of Choosing Joy. You can find out more about her HERE.

While on her blog, make sure you check out her tutorials, give-a-way opportunities, free downloads, her shop and more! If you click on the link, you will also find out more about her choose joy mission and the bracelets she sells. In honor of my new found choices ritual, to support joy and to help support and honor Ashley, I have purchased a pack of her "Choose Joy" bracelets. I have plans for most of them, but I would like to take this opportunity to host a give-a-way of my own!

photo source: www.lilblueboo.com

If you comment on this post, I will put your name in a hat for a chance to win a choose joy bracelet. I will randomly pick three winners to be part of the "Choose Joy" movement! If chosen, I will e-mail you and let you know you have won! Simply e-mail a response with your mailing information and I will send your bracelet on its way! Names have been chosen - winners will be contacted. Thank you!

The choice to promote My Etsy Shop has always felt like a hard one. I am really good at promoting others, believing in others, seeing the potential in others, helping others. I am not, however, very good at applying the same care to myself. Consider it a mix of fear, unease, disbelief... do you see a negative pattern here? Me too! THAT has to stop! I choose to be successful, I choose to stop hiding, I choose to lose the fear of judgment and embrace self-expression. Also, my oldest son is graduating from high school in a few months and this at-home-mama is cash poor!!! I want to throw one heck-of-a party for my first born so self-promote I will! To kick start my party fund, I am holding a one week sale in my shop. For 20% off, enter the code "yippee" at checkout. Feel free to spread the word! Thanks!

To go along with the shameless self-promotion of my shop, I should give a shout-out to the fact tat I'm teaching a class!!! Yay!!!! I adore encaustics and cannot wait to share my passion with others.

Here is the tiny hotplate I use for my encaustic medium.

Here is the new hotplate purchased to make gobs of medium to share with the class.

 

Here is the beeswax and damar resin mixing and melting away.

 

Here you have glorious encaustic medium waiting for eager students to play!

Are you still here? Well, blessings to you for your patience!

Hugs, love and all that ooey gooey stuff to you and yours this weekend.

♡♥♡♥♡♥♡

Swallowed Whole

Do you ever have days like this?

Where you feel like you're being swallowed whole?

I've had a few weeks of that now.

Can't get ahead.

Going nowhere.

Dazed and confused.

Feeling like I'm being swallowed whole.

Dori was a smart fish, but sometimes
"Just keep swimming" isn't enough. 

Sometimes you have to swim harder and faster!

Perhaps it's time to stop swimming altogether.

I think it's time to get in the boat and start driving!

 On to an adventurous weekend.

Because I said so!

 

 

Play Day

A magical play day.

Visions of dreams.

Good eats, loads of laughs, art abound, all around.

hey

play

day

Imagination awakened.

Heart light.

Happiness flitting about like leaves in the wind.

hey

play

day

Weekend gone.

Play day done.

Back to the daily grind.

hey

play

day

Look back now

on shadow self

wondering where she went.

hey

play

day

Life lacks lustor

during everyday tasks.

Back to the daily grind.

hey

play

day

Make new mission.

New life position.

Make every day a play day.

hey

play

day

play day with a friend

Weekend Inspiration

Need some motivation for your life?

Some inspiration?

Love life. Live happy.

Life is fleeting

We are given life and eventually that life is taken away.

The beginning and end are not in our hands.

The middle is entirely ours.

Life is fleeting.

Make the choice today.

Love every minute, every breath, every beautiful gift your life offers.

Choose to make every moment you are in

the best moment of your life.

~ ~ ~

A friend called me yesterday. She was at her mother's house consoling her as they waited for the coroner to take her husband's body away. He suffered a massive heart attack. She was in a state of shock. Her mother was in shock. I was obviously not expecting a call like that.  I responded the only way one can.

I'm so very sorry. I love you. Please let me know what you need and I'll be there for you.

I left that phone call stunned. I have known Tom pretty much my whole life.

Here a whole life. 

Gone in an instant.

Perhaps that's why it always surprises us.

~ ~ ~

Sending prayers and hugs to all who were touched by Tom's life.

Whom are pained by his death.

May he rest in peace.