Cat In Need

Rescued Alley Cat Seeks Forever Home

Soft paws.

Rough & tumble (he is an alley cat after all).

Loves his belly scratched.

Gets along well with other animals.

If you know of someone who has space in their heart and home for this fellow let me know. All he needs is a little love!

Darling 10 y/o Daughter (creative genius that she is) decided to create an alley cat. Her normal style is cute, neat, and fancy. I'm not sure what inspired this little fella but she put a lot of time and detail into his existence. He was just getting his stripes when…

swoosh!

He was gone.

Her brother found him in the trash.

Brother - "I found this in the trash! What was it doing there?"

Sister - "I didn't want him. He freaked me out!"

She said his red stitched spine was the freakiest of all. Whatever possessed her (literally?) to create him must have known what it was doing as the energy it put off creeped her out! Now THAT is some powerful creativity!

Tattered

pulled so thin
life's been scattered
emotional overload
feeling tattered

stare at the sky
sun on my face
meditate in nature
my saving grace

finding time
challenge proven
feeling stress
becoming unwoven

open mind for insight
open heart for love
ask for help
receive love from above

wrapped in light
stitching begins
unwoven threads
held together again

Kissing Him Made Me Cry

Time standing still tends to be a misnomer most of the time. Time flying is usually more accurate in this busy rush of a world. Caught up in the hustle and bustle, lost to the drama unfolding around my life, sometimes the only way to capture a really good moment is to steal it away.

Standing in the shower the other day, easing the bubbles out of my hair, my husband stepped into the room to ask me about a work related dilemma. Had we been in our honeymoon phase, wife plus shower would never equal work. Settled into monotony, my steamy abyss was reduced to another local to find the person of the house who deals with the problems.

The moment presented itself and I took it as my own. Answering the question with a solution, I proceeded to solve a dilemma of my own. I invited my man to join me in my steamy chamber. Stealing away moments have taught us how to act fast, fulfill need and desire promptly, before capture by phone, child or other such demanding responsibility. After our quick and steamy encounter, the moment hung around. No knock at the door disturbed us. No ring of the phone, nor demanding deadline on the brain. Nothing but... nothing. The gift to linger longer presented itself. I grabbed my lover's face and locked on deep and hard. 

A feeling rose from my belly. Passion and pain mixed in a swirling sea of deep love and longing. Holding him close, his body warm, wet, strong and safe, I missed him dearly. Almost desperately. Realization overwhelmed me. How long had it been since we truly connected? Daily discussions are a given as are gentle touches as we pass each other by. His career allows him to work from home presenting the opportunity to be together every second of every day. But how long has it been since we were truly together? Heart and soul?

Holding our lip embrace I allowed the tears to flow followed by laughter at the insanity of it all. How dreadfully much I missed the man who is with me almost every moment of every day. One overwhelming  lip-lock moment of love and longing, passionate lust and pain, striking deep down to my core. Emotion welled up and the water instantly washed it away. It was as if I struck emotional climax.

I stepped out of the shower, wrapped a warm soft towel around myself and smiled, as contentment settled in for a spell.

Love is good.

Lean Into

                     Drip. 

                         Drop. 

                              Drip. 

                                 

Hugs and kisses were the first order of the day as my children headed out the door for their first day back to school. No one in our household looks forward to back-to-school season. It is an enormous blessing to live in a household full of love, comfort, and safety where enjoyment of the family unit is top priority. It makes back-to-school time bitter sweet. There is much excitement about the new. New teachers, making new friends, a new year of opportunity for learning and growth. Not so much excitement is felt for waking early, boredom in the classroom, parting with the security and comfort of home. BTST is hard on mom too. Watching my loved ones head out the door into the big wide world.

Today I am choosing the words lean into.

I am choosing to lean into this new school year with trust that none of us will not fall. Faith the kids will have the best year ever. Lean in with imagination for all that I will achieve during the day. Lean in and surrender to the flow of life. As I lean in I will whisper my intentions of success to the cloth of the Universe knowing it holds the magic necessary to weave my creative dreams into reality. This new year, new season, new cup of free time will be filled to overflowing with goodness. I vow to fill my cup daily with happiness, health, creativity, peace and love allowing my children to step off the bus directly into the overflow.

             Ah yes.

                     Drip.

                         Drop.

                              Drip.

                                  Drop.

My cup will overflow.

Adelia

Story inspired by writing prompt at Stampington.com

Appologies ahead as I do not know how to link up to the exact web page as I am working on my iPad (my computer is in the shop).

Photography by Andrea C. Jenkins featured in Life Images 2008

"Well good morning Sunshine!"

"Hi Mommy"

"Where are you off to so bright and early?"

"I'm going to the bay. There's a ship waiting for me. It's going to take me to a far away land where the magic lives."

"Oh my! A magical land. Sounds perfect. I see you wore your favorite sweater."

"Sometimes it gets cold in Adelia."

"Adelia, huh? Did you remember your toothbrush?"

"You don't need toothbrushes in Adelia, Mommy! The toothfairy lives there and she has all her helpers clean the kids' teeth."

"Well isn't that convenient! So, if you're wearing your favorite sweater, and you don't need to pack your toothbrush, what's in the bag?"

"Books."

"Books?"

"Yup. Books. And my paint. And paper. And a paintbrush. That's all you need in Adelia. Books and paints."

"Hmmm... that doesn't sound like much. What will you eat? Where will you sleep? What will you wear if your sweater gets too hot?"

"That's easy. It's all in the books. Books are magical in Adelia. They come to life. You just read them and they come true."

"So if you get hungry, you can just read 'Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs'?"

"Yup"

"And if you get hot, you can read a book on winter to bring back the cold?"

"Or a book on princess clothes so I can wear a fancy gown!"

"Oh listen to you giggle! I think you're on to something good!"

"Yeah, Adelia is good. It's all good. I only brought good books too."

"So why the paints?"

"Just in case."

"In case of what?"

"In case I don't have the book I need... or if I miss you while I'm there."

"What happens if you don't have the right book, or if you miss me?

"If I get scared, I can paint a blanket to keep me safe. And if I miss you, I will paint you and then you will be there with me."

"So everything you read and everything you paint becomes real in Adelia?"

"Yup."

"Wow. That does sound like a magical place. I sure would like to visit a place like that some day."

"You wanna go with me?"

"I would love to go with you Honey, but Mommy has work to do around here."

"Silly Mommy! Time stands still in Adelia. You can come with me and when we get back, all your work will still be right here waiting for you!"

"In that case, I would love to go with you."

Taking her mother's hand, "Mommy? Why are you wiping your eyes?"

"Because my love for you is overflowing, my wise little princess. You opened my eyes so wide, the love leaked right out."

"I love you Mommy."

"I love you too Sweet Girl."

Lately

I haven't been writing in this space lately. For a long time I couldn't figure out the reason why. A million lot of different thoughts came to mind. I'm too busy. I'm not feeling inspired. I don't have anything to say. I have too much to say. Nobody wants to hear what I have to say. My studio flooded, my camera broke and my computer died. That leaves me with no artwork, no pictures, and no computer to work from, as well as a head full of cluttered words

Today, I am feeling inspired. I'm busy, but making time. I have a lot to say and if you want to read it you can, if not, that's okay too. My studio is still in shambles, and my computer needs fixing but I have this little iPad and it does have a lot of capabilities including a camera (albeit not the greatest).

Today I dive back into my page. Into my purge. I have stifled myself for long enough. It's time to dump the load that sits in my brain. Unclog the mess that's been blocking my flow. I miss this space!

Blogging from a mobile device is new to me. I'm not sure how it works. I might make mistakes. Look like a fool. No matter. No more excuses. No more waiting around for perfection. I will live my life as it is and be thankful for what I have.

The flowers pictured here (which I cannot figure out how to center on the page... I digress...) are very special to me. My husband and I were entering the parking-lot of Farm & Fleet (a farm store with so much more!) when I spotted this little daisy plant growing between the curb and the blacktop lot. I knew it was destined for instant death from traffic or weed killer. The nature lover that I am, I  had to save it! 

"Honey! Look at that beautiful flower! It's going to DIE THERE!!!"

For those of you that don't know me in person, yes, I am THAT dramatic.

"We have to do something! We have to save it! It is a survivor! Living out of that tiny crack in that barren parking-lot. How did it get there? How did it make it this far without proper care and a healthy, safe, nurturing environment?"

Oh Mother Nature, you are Good!!!!! You teach me about myself all the time with your wild and beautiful ways. (As I type this I am relating to the flower. Never realized that before.)

At any rate, my husband knows my passion for the natural world, knows my heart is ten times too big for my own good, knows I cannot help my desperation to save as helping to save others helps save me.

He parked the car, pulled the plant and handed it to me with a smile. 

I took it home, planted it next to my front door and watched. She was a tiny little thing, about six inches high with a few little flowers. She struggled to accept her sudden change. She appeared to wither but hung on, small, still, willing. I watered her, talked to her, loved her. She overwintered without a trace. This spring? She showed up huge, beautiful and full of grace! Just look at her now!

The Little Things

So very often the little things are really the big things.

During our recent trip to Florida I came down with bronchitis and was quite sick. I plugged along like a trooper as to not wreck the fun of the rest of the family. At one of our gas stops my kids left the van to stretch. They found little flowers and greens peeking out of the cracks of the concrete. They picked the little bits and presented me with a tiny bouquet. They had noticed my suffering and wanted me to feel better. Such a small gesture that filled my heart and stretched a smile across my face. Love is the best medicine.

May your day be filled with little blessings.

In Love

Morning beat me up today.

Tossed me like an ocean wave.

I swam, I fought, I found shore.

Safe and sound, I struggle no more.

~ ~ ~

Speaking of ocean wave, here's a picture of 3 of my 4

standing at the ocean shore

absorbing the magic of the full moon.

~ ~ ~

I'm in love.

And it is good.

Look Up

I rarely put myself first and am realizing how unhealthy that can be. My conditioning taught me to be a people pleasing caretaker. I have always put everyone else first and it has hurt me severely. It's not that I wanted to be last, I just couldn't figure out how to put myself first without hurting someone else. Someone wins, someone loses. Me? Or them? Conditioning taught me to self-sacrifice.

What a terrible dilemma! Either I put myself first and feel selfish for hurting others, or I put everyone else first and I suffer. That is a no win situation. 

I'm learning. 

Being able to put yourself first is important in life. You are the most important person in your life. Without you, you have no life. Putting yourself first can be empowering and liberating. It is also how you get ahead. Putting yourself first is good, unless done at the cost of others. Then you are acting out of ego. You are saying "I am better than, more important than." You are creating hurt.

If done correctly, everyone benefits.

So...

what is the correct way?

I think I may have figured it out!

Each one of us must put ourselves first in order to thrive and survive.

Putting yourself first means you must cast off others. Use them as stepping stones. Use them to build a wall so you can find your rightful place at the top. Right?

Wrong.

Try looking at it as a race. Place yoursef first. 

Then...

grab the hands of those around you. Walk shoulder to shoulder, together, in the lead. If you get to a point where you feel the energy or need to surge ahead? Don't drop hands, pull them along! Set an example. Lead the way. Share the empowered feeling of being first. It will pay off if you stumble or tire. By that time, the bond between hands will be strong and it will be you who will be carried along until you have regained strength.

We all must work together in order to win the race.

The Human Race.

Look up. What do you see? Vastness. Eternity.

Does it make you feel small?

I'm sure it does if you stand alone.

Stand together.

Walk together.

Run if you have to.

Just don't let go.

If you feel yourself slipping?

I got you babe.

I am taking this moment in time to recognize that I have never put myself first. I am also realizing that I need to start. In doing so, I vow to hang on to the hands of all those I love, leaving no one behind and adding the hands that reach out to me. In putting myself first I will grow in self-esteem, in empowerment and in self. I will set an example and pass the feeling on through all the hands I hold.

The Funny I Promised Yesterday

 

     I believe it is possible my daughter has a literal heart of gold. Her disposition is so sweet, I swear she could cause cavities. I have never heard a negative or mean thing come from her mouth. Ever! That's why, when on Valentine's Day she presented this card to her three older brothers, I was so surprised!

Image © Madelynn Retzlaff

     I don't care for the word "hate" and try to disuade my children from using it unless they really, really, really thought it through and still mean it (usually reserved for non-human subjects like "I hate violence").
     I looked at her sweet face smiling up at her big brothers and saw the chuckles they released. When they passed the card to me, I was surprised into silence followed by roaring laughter. For some reason, I found it to be the funniest card evah!
     Perhaps it is her innocent age and nature lacking the full understanding of what she wrote. Perhaps it was her genuine loving delivery of the card. Perhaps it was her unguarded honesty! Whatever the reason, the card ended in love so it's all good!

Quiet

   
Sorry I have been quiet again lately. Life has taught me a lot of lessons this past year (my whole life really) and I have been experiencing more periods of introspect which causes me to avoid my blog. I tend to keep things light here. Not too heavy, not too personal. Even now I am fidgeting in my seat and contemplating getting up to do something else (anything) rather than share this story.

     The reason for the title of my blog (Cranial Purge) was to dump some of the overflow of thought that runs through my brain. I cannot dump it all or I would never get off the page as my mind produces enough thought to fill a gazillion pages. That being said, I tend to be very selective about what I do share attempting not to get too personal (for fear of judgment), not wanting to write about anything that might be even a tad controversial (as I fear confrontation), not wanting to work too hard at succeeding (for fear of failure) and on and on.

     My whole life has been spent in fear. It is depressing, scary, stifling and paralyzing. Last year I chose to work with the word "faith" all year. The Universe must have taken that as a challenge as it was one of the hardest years I have ever been dealt (and I have been through hell in the past my friends). It was also perhaps the most growth inducing. It is also the reason for my year (plus) on-again-off-again relationship with my blog.

     Faith and trust seem to be the opposite of fear and I was challenged to embrace both through some very difficult times. Almost a year ago I was faced with some information that nearly ended my marriage. A month later I faced a diagnosis with the potential to be life threatening. Two very large pills to swallow back to back with little time and no water. Talk about fear. First I had to face raising four children alone. Then I had to face the fact that I might not be around to raise my four children at all.

     I cried my way through much of last year. I chose to stay in my marriage and we have been working tirelessly to fix what was broken. I have worked with medical professionals as well as dietary and holistic work to heal my body. I have been reading and researching and practicing affirmations, mindfulness, yoga, meditation and anything else I can get a hold of to heal my mind. I stuck with the word Faith to connect with soul.

Body, Mind, Soul

     I have been diligently doing the work to keep all three healthy and whole. I will continue to do so praying for it all to stick.

     Most recently, I have been helping to clean and caretake for a friend's (more like a sister) father who is dying of cancer. He is losing his battle quickly. Much faster than anyone imagined. He is ready. He wants to move on. He misses his wife whom he lost unexpectedly a mere eight months ago. He hopes to be reunited. The pain of hanging on has been hardest for him.

     I cannot help but wonder if the humbling gift of caring for Barry during this time may have been given to me as a precursor for what is to come. My own Stepfather (really a father) has stage four terminal lung cancer. He has been fighting like a champ, but his news recently was not good. It is a much more personal battle as the loss will be extremely painful.

     Life is precious. Life is fragile. Life is fleeting.

     I look at life differently than I did a year ago. Life used to be spent in survival mode. Now I am learning to live. My ridiculous sense of humor and my crazy will to survive has gotten me this far (without becoming a raging alcoholic, drug addict, or angry suicidal maniac)but it has not been a very good existence. 

     Now, my eyes are open, my heart is open and I am trusting and embracing my precious life for all it has to offer. This year I chose the word "love" and I am starting with myself. Self-love starts with self-acceptance, at least for those of us that lack it. 

Imagine if every child were taught self-love. Imagine how much better the world would be. When you truly value yourself (I'm not talking in a narcissistic, egotistical way), you see how important your life is and you can project that out to others. You can see that each person, regardless of their wounds, quirks, attitudes, are perfectly imperfect just like you.

     I'm not saying to spend time with people who are hurtful, mean, abusive, manipulative or in any other way damaging to you. That would not be practicing self-love. In those cases, simply wish them well, send them love and move on. I am really starting to see that love truly IS the answer.

     Do me a favor, would you please? Take a moment to send some love out into the world. List your gratitudes. Feel your heart swell when you think of those you love. Look in the mirror and smile and be thankful for the gift of your life and fall in love with yourself. Imagine those in the world who are suffering, hurting, lonely. Send them love. Imagine your love frequency moving out into the universe, combining with all the other love being sent out. Let's wrap this planet in love, shall we? 

     Yup. I'm sappy and strange like that. A year ago I might not have posted this post. Now? I lose the fear of judgment, have faith that my words will land with those who need them, and love everyone. Yup. Even the haters. After all, they are the most in need of love.

We are so small yet so powerful. Use your power for good.



This was a heavy post. If you read through to the end, I thank you for staying as I feel my message is an important one. Tomorrow, I have a funny for you to lighten the mood! I am seriously considering a second blog for heavy. This poor blog never did have much direction. Perhaps I can have my fun here and keep the heavy on another page. We'll see. For now, I send you off with love.

Silent Listening

"The word listen contains the same letters as the word silent." 

~Alfred Brendel

I really love that quote. I have been sitting with it for some time. I have been reading (slowly) a book about listening. "Seven Thousand Ways To Listen; Staying Close to What is Sacred" by Mark Nepo.

Slowing down, appreciating all that is around me, practicing silence, learning to really listen. Silent listening certainly allows for a closer connection to life.

I am not a silent person. I am a talker. Whether I was born that way or it is a condition, a reflex, a coping mechanism I developed due to the harshness of life, I cannot be certain. This past year has found me to be much quieter. I have been doing a lot of soul searching, reflecting and personal growth. I have been trying to discover my authentic self in order to save myself. I am learning the importance of listening. Not just listening to all the 'noise' that slams at our ears every day (chatter, the blaring radio, traffic), but genuinely, slowing down and taking notice of the most minuscule of messages listening allows for.

If you slow down and really listen, you can hear the subtleties of life that might normally pass you by. The slight sigh from a loved one that lets you know they are content, or perhaps the sound of a slightly heavier sigh that declares subtly but certainly, "I need a hug". 

You hear the true meaning behind someones words. What used to sound like gossip now sounds like someone who is unhappy with their life, therefore talking about others to take the focus off their own issues.

You hear your own heart. Its happiness and joys, the fears, the sadness. You hear it more clearly allowing for changes to be made.

Mother Nature offers a plethora of sounds to meditate upon and if you sit in silence listening long enough, your soul will answer in response to all that nature provides.

Last night I insisted the entire family pile into the van in snow gear with sleds in the rear. We drove to a local sledding hill. The sun was setting, the snow on the hill packed to a solid, slippery base. Luck had the hill empty upon arrival. The sun was setting. I stood at the top of the hill and silently observed.

The sun was setting. Orange filled the horizon stacked with yellow, followed by a baby blue sky. Dark cirrus clouds completed the top most layer. The colors were brilliant. There was a line of trees in front of the setting sun. Deciduous trees barren of their leaves while they stood sleeping the winter away. They appeared black standing majestically up against the magic sunset.

In front of me were five amazing, lovely, brilliant human beings sailing down the hill over and over. Whoosh went the sleds. Screams and/or silence on the way down exchanged with laughter upon landing safely at the bottom. Chattering their way back up for another round, traded for huffing and puffing the closer they reached the top of the climb. Sitting, shifting, preparing. Down, down, down again.

The sky filled with darkness. There is a light at the top of the hill. As they made their way to the bottom, they appear to disappear as the darkness enveloped them one, two, three, four, five. After some time, a train was heard off in the distance, its whistle piercing the cold, quiet air. The kids stop, turn, listen, wait, watch. Weighing heavily on the cold steel tracks, the earth moves and rumbles and shakes.

Reaching their fill of observation, the family turned once again to climb the hill. Once again they sail to the bottom with only the sound of sled on snow, reaching their destination upon which time the chatter and laughter would begin again.

So much to listen to on that hill.  The sound that stood out the most in that moment of presence, of silent listening, was the sound of my own heart filling with joy, happiness, pride. Love was swooshing from chamber to chamber, whispering "This. This is what life is about."

Dreaming

Cue the music!

I'm dreaming of a White Christmas!

I guess I should have clarified 'light and fluffy' vs. 'wet and sloppy'.

At least our tree is Merry and Bright.

Today is a snow day. The kids had all sorts of play dates planned with the idea of snowmen, snow forts and hot chocolate. 

 The snow came. Then the rain. More snow is scheduled to follow. Right now they would be stuck making slush men, so they are hunkered down with books and crafts. 

Today I am thankful for a warm house, the beautiful snow and the love and safety of my gorgeous children.

Reaching Out - Holding On

So much violence. So many shootings.

They only seem to be getting worse.

The events that unfolded in Newtown, CT last friday are unfathomable. So many innocent lives lost. I have not written about it or talked about it much as I feel completely inadequate to do so.

Where are the words to heal the hurt?

Where are the words to soothe the suffering?

Where are the words to explain the unexplainable?

I tried to avoid much of the news. I didn't want to feed into the sensationalism. I didn't want my kids to fear. I didn't want to cry anymore. I didn't want to imagine the pain of those who lost loved ones. I didn't want it to be true.

I have been trying to figure out what I can do to help. I come up with nothing. I feel helpless.

I conjure up feelings of love to send out to the families. Love. It has to be the answer.

There is so much anger and fear and violence in the world.

We have to stop hating and hurting.

We must start healing.

How do we heal?

Love

I read about an eleven year old that brings a gun to school to protect himself and his classmates. I think, "Why is this happening?"

I read about a Texas school allowing teachers to bring guns to school to protect their students. I think, "Why is this happening?"

I am a considerable geographic distance away from Sandy Hook elementary, yet it is now in my own back yard.

The sickness seems to be spreading.

A grade school not even 40 miles away finds live ammo on the playground. A teen gets arrested for spouting about copycatting.

Now it is my child's school.

There have been rumors of a threat against the safety of the students and staff at my child's high school. The threat is set for 12-21-12. The police have been investigating.I received an automated call from the principal saying the students are safe as they feel the threats are unsubstantiated. The rumors continue and build. I do not feel it is safe. How can I? 

I again ask myself, "Why?"

I have no answers.

Anger, fear, frustration, desperation.

A lot of ugly feelings are surfacing for a lot of people.

Including me.

I ask that everyone try, try, try to feel love.

Don't feed the negative energy with more negative.

I am working on centering and focusing and loving.

Feeling love for my family.

Love for this life.

Love for the world.

Sirens flew by my house as I typed that last line.

The seventh time in 12 hours.

Sirens. Warnings.

Of what?

I don't know.

I'm feeling so helpless.

All I know to do is reach.

Keep reaching.

Reaching out and holding on to what is good.

If only by a single thread.

We must hold on to love.

Build on the good with good.

Reach. Hold. Love.

My heart and prayers go out to everyone.

I send you love.

List it Tuesday 10/9/12

Today I am tagging along with a prompt from Artsyville. What fun! A "list it Tuesday"! Today's list topic is  "I am a sucker for..."


Here is my list!

Dear Grandma,

My grandma helped me today.

I was in a really bad way.

I was stuck in an emotional black hole.

The vacuum pressure was sucking me deeper.

I stopped and thought about my grandma.

About how much I missed her.

How much I wished she were still here to give me advice.

Her advice was alway so practical and smart and firm.

Her guidance dished out so matter of fact with a side of love.

I pictured myself going to her Catholic Church (which has also left this earth).

I imagined myself sliding into a pew and kneeling in prayer.

I imagined her rosary and how it would feel in my hands.

I imagined finding her spirit there.

I cried. She heard me.

The answer was loud and clear.

Peace came over me.

Just

like

that.

Where did the message come from?

It was so clear. So real. So matter of fact.

So Grandma.

I heard my Grandma speak to me.

Not with my ears. With my heart.

She is still with me, a part of me, always will be.

I draw from her faith. The strength she left behind.

Instilled in me through years of love, guidance and care.

I keep her alive through my love for her.

Love that is undying.

Dear Grandma,

Thank you for always being there for me. 

I love you.

Sunset. Highway26. Year 2008. 

Bittersweet

photo and quote original   -   ©Lynn Retzlaff

Being Real

 I have been sitting at the computer for over a half an hour writing and re-writing this post.

Part of me wants to dump a long story on the page.

Part of me wants to hide my struggle.

The part of me that won is the part of me that likes to keep things simple and real.

This is me.

Simple

and

Real

Flaws and all.

 I was standing outside of my vehicle talking to an acquaintance this past weekend.

One of my kids, waiting inside, grabbed my camera and (unbeknownst to me) snapped this shot.

A few days later, I uploaded the weekend photos to my computer. I found this picture.

My hand instantly went to the delete button.

Common practice. I am the one behind the camera. Not the one in the pictures.

I see this picture and I see a dirty window, a wrinkled face, a goofy expression.

I see myself and I judge and criticize and condemn (over and over and over).

I see others and I love and embrace and accept.

Why am I so hard on myself? Why do I find it hard to look at myself?

~ ~ ~

This picture is taken of me as seen through my child's eyes.

This person is who my children unconditionally love.

They don't judge me, criticize me, tear me down.

This is the same person who my friends lift up and love.

What do they see that I don't? 

Perhaps a better question would be, why don't I see what they do?

On the surface I do a fairly good job of self-acceptance (for the most part), flaws and all.

Laugh it off, toughen up, nobody's perfect. Right?

Deep down it's a different story. When I get to the core, I don't let anything go.

I condemn myself and judge myself to the harshest degree.

I have been digging deep lately and have realized that my harshest self-punishment

has been the condemnation of my young self. I was severely mistreated and I blamed myself.

All these years I have held onto the self-hate and loathing.

The sick feeling that it was my fault. That I deserved it. That I was worthless, expendable.

Why was I so weak? Why did I allow it? I blamed myself.

Why has it always been so much easier to accept and forgive others?

Even those who have hurt or betrayed me?

Perhaps because I never saw myself the way I see others. As a person. Someone who matters.

Seeing myself through my child's eyes has created a change in perspective for me.

I am really looking at myself (possibly) for the first time.

My eyes have opened WIDE. I want forgiveness.

I want to learn to forgive myself and ask God to forgive and heal me.

Body, mind, soul.

 

Looking again at my children, I now see the youth in me.

If my children were ever as scared or injured as I was when I was young, would I condemn them?

Judge them? Blame them? Continuously punish them?

Never!

I would love them, hold them, heal them.

If they didn't know how to protect themselves, to fight back, to not be a victim,

would I lay continuous guilt on them?

No! I would empower them and teach them and embrace them.

If their reaction, retaliation and coping mechanisms to the pain were not pretty,

were harmful, were wrong, would I brush them aside and let them continue to destroy themselves?

Again, the answer is no.

I would hold them tight, let them kick, scream and cry.

Let them get all the ugliness out and I would fill the space with love and light.

 Pardon me while I weep.

Lesson learned.

Time for the healing to begin.

Love

A well of love

with depths untold

heart sinking deep

feeling the cold turn warm

as the love transforms

heart to soul

feel it all

to the bottom together we sink

and it is good.

New Day, New Mood, New Attitude

Find yourself in a bad mood?

Change your attitude!

The rubber band idea is working.

You might think it a bit barbaric, but it actually works!

Every time I start having negative thoughts

or start feeling yell-y (ready to yell)

(yell-y may not be a real word but my first choice was crotchety so you pick)

I snap my rubber band.

Oy!

Note to self: snap on back of wrist, not inside, to avoid numb fingers

I've been practicing the rubber band method of positivity for a few days now.

The method is a bit hard when those around you are the ones being negative.

I certainly don't want to snap myself for someone else dragging me down

so I am learning to walk away.

This morning, after I woke, I made myself a nice mug of green tea.

I sat down in my favorite chair and journaled. 

The last bit I wrote, was a list of gratitude.

I closed the journal and looked out the window.

This is what I saw...

Fog and Frost.

The perfect ingredients for a grey mood?

I think not!

I checked my attitude and grabbed my camera,

headed out the back door

and had some fun!

A week ago I would be frustrated at my lack of time to play.

I would feel inferior due to my status as a beginner (wishful) photographer wannabe.

I would wish for less shaky hands and time to edit.

Today?

I gleefully grabbed a few minutes in the snow in my slippers.

I am okay with beginning as you have to start somewhere.

I am thankful for my hands. Shake adds character to all that I do. tee hee

Time to edit? I'll get there. Time with my children is my number one.