Monday, February 18, 2013


Sorry I have been quiet again lately. Life has taught me a lot of lessons this past year (my whole life really) and I have been experiencing more periods of introspect which causes me to avoid my blog. I tend to keep things light here. Not too heavy, not too personal. Even now I am fidgeting in my seat and contemplating getting up to do something else (anything) rather than share this story.

     The reason for the title of my blog (Cranial Purge) was to dump some of the overflow of thought that runs through my brain. I cannot dump it all or I would never get off the page as my mind produces enough thought to fill a gazillion pages. That being said, I tend to be very selective about what I do share attempting not to get too personal (for fear of judgment), not wanting to write about anything that might be even a tad controversial (as I fear confrontation), not wanting to work too hard at succeeding (for fear of failure) and on and on.

     My whole life has been spent in fear. It is depressing, scary, stifling and paralyzing. Last year I chose to work with the word "faith" all year. The Universe must have taken that as a challenge as it was one of the hardest years I have ever been dealt (and I have been through hell in the past my friends). It was also perhaps the most growth inducing. It is also the reason for my year (plus) on-again-off-again relationship with my blog.

     Faith and trust seem to be the opposite of fear and I was challenged to embrace both through some very difficult times. Almost a year ago I was faced with some information that nearly ended my marriage. A month later I faced a diagnosis with the potential to be life threatening. Two very large pills to swallow back to back with little time and no water. Talk about fear. First I had to face raising four children alone. Then I had to face the fact that I might not be around to raise my four children at all.

     I cried my way through much of last year. I chose to stay in my marriage and we have been working tirelessly to fix what was broken. I have worked with medical professionals as well as dietary and holistic work to heal my body. I have been reading and researching and practicing affirmations, mindfulness, yoga, meditation and anything else I can get a hold of to heal my mind. I stuck with the word Faith to connect with soul.

Body, Mind, Soul

     I have been diligently doing the work to keep all three healthy and whole. I will continue to do so praying for it all to stick.

     Most recently, I have been helping to clean and caretake for a friend's (more like a sister) father who is dying of cancer. He is losing his battle quickly. Much faster than anyone imagined. He is ready. He wants to move on. He misses his wife whom he lost unexpectedly a mere eight months ago. He hopes to be reunited. The pain of hanging on has been hardest for him.

     I cannot help but wonder if the humbling gift of caring for Barry during this time may have been given to me as a precursor for what is to come. My own Stepfather (really a father) has stage four terminal lung cancer. He has been fighting like a champ, but his news recently was not good. It is a much more personal battle as the loss will be extremely painful.

     Life is precious. Life is fragile. Life is fleeting.

     I look at life differently than I did a year ago. Life used to be spent in survival mode. Now I am learning to live. My ridiculous sense of humor and my crazy will to survive has gotten me this far (without becoming a raging alcoholic, drug addict, or angry suicidal maniac)but it has not been a very good existence. 

     Now, my eyes are open, my heart is open and I am trusting and embracing my precious life for all it has to offer. This year I chose the word "love" and I am starting with myself. Self-love starts with self-acceptance, at least for those of us that lack it. 

Imagine if every child were taught self-love. Imagine how much better the world would be. When you truly value yourself (I'm not talking in a narcissistic, egotistical way), you see how important your life is and you can project that out to others. You can see that each person, regardless of their wounds, quirks, attitudes, are perfectly imperfect just like you.

     I'm not saying to spend time with people who are hurtful, mean, abusive, manipulative or in any other way damaging to you. That would not be practicing self-love. In those cases, simply wish them well, send them love and move on. I am really starting to see that love truly IS the answer.

     Do me a favor, would you please? Take a moment to send some love out into the world. List your gratitudes. Feel your heart swell when you think of those you love. Look in the mirror and smile and be thankful for the gift of your life and fall in love with yourself. Imagine those in the world who are suffering, hurting, lonely. Send them love. Imagine your love frequency moving out into the universe, combining with all the other love being sent out. Let's wrap this planet in love, shall we? 

     Yup. I'm sappy and strange like that. A year ago I might not have posted this post. Now? I lose the fear of judgment, have faith that my words will land with those who need them, and love everyone. Yup. Even the haters. After all, they are the most in need of love.

We are so small yet so powerful. Use your power for good.

This was a heavy post. If you read through to the end, I thank you for staying as I feel my message is an important one. Tomorrow, I have a funny for you to lighten the mood! I am seriously considering a second blog for heavy. This poor blog never did have much direction. Perhaps I can have my fun here and keep the heavy on another page. We'll see. For now, I send you off with love.


Jennifer Richardson said...

i love your brave, transparent heart
...your courage is beautiful
and stronger than you know.
i want to stretch my hand across
the miles and just hold yours
for a moment; words seem cheap

but my heart is nudging just these
words: your words are so full of healing...i feel it happening in you. the care-giving you're pouring on the one who want to go home is, i just sense, a part of your healing.
not a forshadow of things to come.
a way to heal your heart, which is so much a part of your cells becoming whole and thriving.

i just share that with respect and ask you to embrace or dump it as your heart leads you.

and i send love....oodles of love
wrapped in a healing hug.

Robin said...

Love this post. Love your courage. Love your heart and soul. Love YOU!

Jan said...

Brave and thought provoking post. I extend my love to you and also out to the universe. Maybe even saving back a little for myself.

Em said...

This was a very beautiful post. I know it had to be hard to write.

Today was one of the worst days I've been through in awhile. A really bad day.

The end of your post was good to read, but also very difficult to do today. I'm actually going to capture it, put it in a word doc and think about it later tonight. So thank you for that.

I will tell you that I tried doing a second blog for heavy and it didn't work all that well. When homelessness hit, I finally decided the just write everything on one blog. If I lost people who were just looking for light, so be it. But it's something all bloggers have to consider at some point, I know.

Thank you.

Glenn Stenson said...

You need not another blog for darkness, as shadows accentuate your love light right here. Exposing your soul, letting it shine is beautiful, upbeat and divine. I commend and thank you for sharing it with the Universe. You are love and you are loved.

John said...

Not just a great inspirational post but a great achievement also. Thank you for sharing.

Ingrid said...

beautifully, beautifully written. to take the time to breathe and appreciate all that is here and now, to choose love over (or in spite of) fear or anger or hurt is powerful and courageous.

i'm sending love, love, love to your this very moment, wishing you strength and patience and yes, faith that everything will turn out as it should. you are amazing, darling, and i wish you all that is good in this world.

all my love.

Kim Mailhot said...

Neither strange nor sappy to me ! As you said, you have found a way to focus on living life, rather than being paralyzed with fear. I know very well of what you speak !
My life mantra came to me when I needed it the most as well : , LOve is the answer to every question. That is the one thing I know for sure.
I am grateful that there are other brave hearts like yours lighting the way...

Elena said...

I can finally respond! :)
It's been such a privilege to be 'with' you as you've grown this past year. I've watched your heart expand past its protective walls. I've never met anyone like you, so genuinely loving and caring for those around you. And of course you're completely nuts which just sweetens the deal. I applaud you for sharing this post w/ everyone as I know how difficult it was. Again bless you for helping Barry & his family. Love you lots sweets.

april said...

I agree with Glenn. When i drop in here, I always love reading whatever it is you have to say; always things we all need to pay attention to and think about. (((love)))

Jaime said...

Man... life on earth is one giant that teaches the toughest lessons.

I loved reading your deeper thoughts, feeling little bits of myself within your words. Thank you so much for sharing so openly. This is something I have been afraid to do on my blog as well, for the same reasons as you... but it kind of works the opposite way we think... the more we put out there, the more love comes back to us. Because we can all relate. We all have pain and fear and insecurity. We've all got stuff.

You are reminding me how much I have missed the blogging world. Thank you for this thoughtful post.

Related Posts with Thumbnails