Quiet

This blog has been quiet lately

I have been feeling quiet.

It feels good so I'm going with it.

I have taken to walking in the wee hours of the morning.

The light is absolutely irresistible.

The sun slowly rises and peeks through the trees like a child peering out from the covers,

"Is it morning yet?"

The rays stretch long and hard.

Day breaks through dusk with full serenade from feathered friends.

We splurged.

A canoe.

Early birthday present for yours truly.

Not in the budget.

Value of peace and serenity?

Priceless!

It's been a long, hard summer.

I have spent a lot of time thinking, reflecting, learning. 

The rest of the summer will be spent living in the moment

appreciating exactly what is in front of me.

Which is everything.

Being Real

 I have been sitting at the computer for over a half an hour writing and re-writing this post.

Part of me wants to dump a long story on the page.

Part of me wants to hide my struggle.

The part of me that won is the part of me that likes to keep things simple and real.

This is me.

Simple

and

Real

Flaws and all.

 I was standing outside of my vehicle talking to an acquaintance this past weekend.

One of my kids, waiting inside, grabbed my camera and (unbeknownst to me) snapped this shot.

A few days later, I uploaded the weekend photos to my computer. I found this picture.

My hand instantly went to the delete button.

Common practice. I am the one behind the camera. Not the one in the pictures.

I see this picture and I see a dirty window, a wrinkled face, a goofy expression.

I see myself and I judge and criticize and condemn (over and over and over).

I see others and I love and embrace and accept.

Why am I so hard on myself? Why do I find it hard to look at myself?

~ ~ ~

This picture is taken of me as seen through my child's eyes.

This person is who my children unconditionally love.

They don't judge me, criticize me, tear me down.

This is the same person who my friends lift up and love.

What do they see that I don't? 

Perhaps a better question would be, why don't I see what they do?

On the surface I do a fairly good job of self-acceptance (for the most part), flaws and all.

Laugh it off, toughen up, nobody's perfect. Right?

Deep down it's a different story. When I get to the core, I don't let anything go.

I condemn myself and judge myself to the harshest degree.

I have been digging deep lately and have realized that my harshest self-punishment

has been the condemnation of my young self. I was severely mistreated and I blamed myself.

All these years I have held onto the self-hate and loathing.

The sick feeling that it was my fault. That I deserved it. That I was worthless, expendable.

Why was I so weak? Why did I allow it? I blamed myself.

Why has it always been so much easier to accept and forgive others?

Even those who have hurt or betrayed me?

Perhaps because I never saw myself the way I see others. As a person. Someone who matters.

Seeing myself through my child's eyes has created a change in perspective for me.

I am really looking at myself (possibly) for the first time.

My eyes have opened WIDE. I want forgiveness.

I want to learn to forgive myself and ask God to forgive and heal me.

Body, mind, soul.

 

Looking again at my children, I now see the youth in me.

If my children were ever as scared or injured as I was when I was young, would I condemn them?

Judge them? Blame them? Continuously punish them?

Never!

I would love them, hold them, heal them.

If they didn't know how to protect themselves, to fight back, to not be a victim,

would I lay continuous guilt on them?

No! I would empower them and teach them and embrace them.

If their reaction, retaliation and coping mechanisms to the pain were not pretty,

were harmful, were wrong, would I brush them aside and let them continue to destroy themselves?

Again, the answer is no.

I would hold them tight, let them kick, scream and cry.

Let them get all the ugliness out and I would fill the space with love and light.

 Pardon me while I weep.

Lesson learned.

Time for the healing to begin.

Out of Whack

See this?

Might be hard to see.

That, my dears, is rain.

Desperately needed rain.

Problem.

I think that much needed rain

is the reason behind my much hated pain.

Fucking Fibro.

Sorry. Sometimes it slips.

Went to the dentist yesterday.

Little boy (around 4 or 5) was across from us.

He was scared. He cried.

His parents sat in front of him taking turns berating.

"Stop it! We told you not to cry!"

"No crying allowed!"

"Don't be such a baby."

"Knock it off. Shut up! Stop crying."

I wanted to go over and hold his hand.

My much bigger boy (10) saw the drill coming.

Tears started welling.

I held his hand and empowered him.

"It's okay honey. Squeeze my hand if you have to.

If you feel any pain at all, you raise your hand.

You let us know. You'll be okay.

The doctor is going to take good care of you and I'm here."

The tears subsided and he quietly and quickly 

had his tooth filled.

I don't think the other boy's parents realized what they were doing.

I'm still sad for that little boy.

Later in the day, we were getting ready to go fishing.

We were running late.

There was lots to pack and prepare. I asked everyone for help.

The younger kids and I worked hard.

Teenager holed up in his cave.

Ditched me. Didn't help.

Took forever to get off his butt and out the door.

I tried to gently tell him how I needed everyone's help.

How he's old enough to take initiative.

How he's biggest, strongest, most capable.

He argued.

My fibro flare pain got the best of me.

I yelled.

"Don't you get it? Seriously? You need to help!

You should not abandon everyone else whose working.

You promised to help today! To spend time with me!

You need to step up and be responsible! 

You're too old for this!!!"

I didn't know what I was doing.

Frustration was mounting and my physical pain

shortened my fuse. I needed his help and he wasn't there.

I handled it wrong.  He's still a kid.

Albeit a big one, but an impressionable

learning kid none-the-less.

I appologized.

Explained myself.

Asked that next time he help when I ask.

Said that next time I will work hard at keeping my cool.

We went fishing.

We saw beauty.

We caught fish.

We made happy, good memories.

Sometimes our actions are not what we intend.

Everyone makes mistakes.

If we are aware, we can learn from our actions.

We can use that knowledge to act differently next time.

We can grow and share our knowledge.

We can apologize and love.

I can't help but wonder about that little boy at the dentist.

Were his parents aware?

Did they learn anything?

Did they appologize?

Did he get a hug when all was said and done?

My message to all of you today?

Live, Learn, Love.

xox

Simplicity

Do you know what this is?

I bet you don't!

I bet most of you have never seen one of these.

I hadn't either until I planted my first vegetable garden a few years ago.

I am in love with growing things but

not so in love with all the rules of gardening.

I tend to be a

fly-by-the-seat-of-your-pants

kind of gardener.

I do what I can when I can.

Plant what I want where I want it.

If it grows, it grows.

If it fails, another lesson learned.

What you see pictured above

is the bloom from leaf lettuce allowed to go to seed.

Or should I say, ignored for too long!!!

 

Isn't it lovely???

I was so taken by the simple beauty of it.

The delicate stems and buds.

The gentle yellow bursting at the tips.

This little flower is less than a centimeter wide.

All that glory in such a tiny little package.

It brought such a smile to my face

that I harvested a bunch

brought it into the house

and put it in a lovely vase.

Simple Beauty

Discovered by letting go.

Living in the moment.

 

 

 

That is what I wish for all of you this weekend.

Let go.

Live in the moment.
Enjoy the simple beauty life has to offer.

Reverb prompt:
Everything’s OK - What was the best moment that could serve as proof that everything is going to be alright? And how will you incorporate that discovery into the year ahead?  I should probably go with the first moment that popped into my head. I am going to go back to my earlier post about our van trip to Colorado. When we arrived with a broken van that kept on breaking I felt miserable. Sad for the kids, mad at the van, guilty that my husband, cousin, uncle and son were spending days on end working on a vehicle, frustrated that our vacation fund was being spent on vehicle repairs. None of those negative feelings lasted more than a fleeting moment. Everyone came together and embraced the challenge. The kids were happy to visit with family and hang out at my aunt's house. The men bonded over the engine puzzling, telling stories and laughing. The women took care of the kids, the meals, the men, and the chatting. No one saw it as a burden. Everyone took it in stride. Just one of those things. We had down time after a long trip. With the money spent, we changed our itinerary from deep mountain travel with camping, shopping, tourism to a more relaxed itinerary of day trips to closer locations for free fishing, hiking, basking, site seeing. We had picnics, we told stories, we relaxed, we laughed. It was absolutely perfect! 
Knowing that when life hands this family lemons we have the ability come together wherever we are with whatever we have available and make vats of delicious, sweet, lemonade with a recipe full of laughter and love. That truly is the sweetest kind. 

How to incorporate it into the year ahead? Simple. The knowledge is there. Use it!

 top pic: bonding over blasted van

middle pic: fishing up Poudre Canyon

bottom pic: rock skipping contest in the Poudre

Reverb - Healing

Reverb prompt:
Healing - What healed you this year? Was it sudden, or a drip-by-drip evolution? How would you like to be healed in 2011?   As my faith grew, my healing grew. As I gain faith in my fellow human beings, so I gain faith in myself healing my heart. As I gain faith in myself, so I gain faith in my abilities and visions healing my mind. As I gain faith in my own heart, so I gain faith in my Higher Power, healing my soul. As I gain faith in my Higher Power, so I gain faith in life healing my ego. It is all connected like a chain. Every element connected to every other. The stronger each link, the stronger the chain. The chain grows in thickness as layers of faith and wisdom are laid on. As the chain grows, our strength grows. We need that strength to carry the weight of the chain. Are we ever really healed? Perhaps the healing is not complete until we have passed on. The weight of the lessons, the ego, the body thoughts, feelings and emotions are shed. The chain is dropped and we are left with weightlessness and peace. I am thankful for the strength I am gaining, the faith that is growing within me, and the healing process that is occurring. Some day I will be healed completely. For now, I am thankful for the strength to carry my chain. I hope to build it big and carry it far.


Unsure of whether what I was feeling at the time of writing this was coming across clearly, I read it to my husband. He had a hangup with the whole "chain" thing. He said chains are viewed as heavy, as burdens. That if I'm talking of growth and healing, it should make us lighter. I told him life is hard, lessons are hard, caring is hard. The people that go through life not caring, not growing, not loving gain chains as well but theirs are made with lead to represent heavy, dark burdens. Those who love, learn, care and grow have chains made of gold which are beautiful and valuable. Those with dead weight lead chains drag them around, weak and unhappy. Those with precious gold chains have gained the strength to carry them through life proud and strong.
I guess Darling Husband has a point, but I'm hoping what I wrote comes across the way I saw it in my mind's eye.

 (my birthday camping trip in Door County, WI - 2007)

Reverb - Lesson Learned

Reverb prompt:

Lesson Learned - What was the best thing you learned about yourself this past year? And how will you apply that lesson going forward?   I learned that I'm okay and I'm worth it. I will apply this lesson by trusting my instincts, purging my inner wisdom, spending alone time. I will delve deeper into self-expression and put myself out there raw and vulnerable trusting the powers that be to clothe me in acceptance and love. I will continue to accept myself for who I am and remind myself that I am enough.

There's something about age. It's as if our insides take the energy from our youthful vibrant shells and transform it into wisdom. Our outsides start to look worn and weathered while our insides start to illuminate brighter and brighter. Perhaps it was the tenth anniversary of my 29th birthday this year that has caused this ease of self. Whatever the cause, I accept the gift.

I spend a couple days a week watching a friend's toddler. She's an absolute doll! As I was watching her play yesterday, I thought "This is how I want to approach life." There she sat on the floor living in the present moment. She was observing, learning and striving to achieve. The task before her seemed simple. Put the right block in the right space. She did not grow frustrated. Her attempts were not perfect and the task was not completed yet she did not feel failure. She attempted, she learned, she enjoyed and she moved on. The best part? She sat in her little dress with legs spread wide, drool running down her face without a care in the world. Not an ounce of concern over what others might think. Now that's living!!!! It's amazing how much we can learn by observing children.

Shit!

I just spent the last 1 1/2 hours trying to play with this photo in photoshop.

Thought I was on to something.

Total failure!

Instead it's being posted unedited.
Perhaps you would like to try? Feel free to use it.

• ∞ • ∞ •

Trying to teach an old dog new tricks is one thing.

Try getting that dog to teach himself!

Now that's a real challenge.

• ∞ • ∞ •

I am self-taught on most everything in life

as that's the way the cards have unfolded for me.

Not a lot of advantages, not a lot of educational opportunities.

Therefore, I teach myself.

I am learning.

• ∞ • ∞ •

Today is teaching me patience.

• ∞ • ∞ •

I am working on a list.

My birthday is coming up.

It is the tenth anniversary of my 29th birthday.

My list will be 40 by 40.

Forty things I want to accomplish by my 40th birthday.

My present to myself is to feel good about 40.

• ∞ • ∞ •
My list will now start...

40 by 40

#1. Learn Photoshop

• ∞ • ∞ •

This post seems rather random in thought.

Guess that's been my thought process lately.

How about you?

What have you learned lately?

What are you working on?

What do you wish to achieve?

Lessons

Lessons

Wouldn't it be nice if the universe just dropped you a line?

A simple text or voice mail perhaps?

Instead we get this cryptic code

that we continually slap ourselves upside the head with

experiencing and re-experiencing events until the lesson is heard.

Or perhaps I am reading too much into things.

We spent $700 on our van before our CO trip.

This is a van that is paid for but also 10 years old.

Arrived in CO and husband, uncle, cousin spent two days fixing more problems

with me charging another $400.

Still making noises that were a bit suspicious, 

we continued our trip and made it safely home.

Miraculously it ends up.

As the miles went, the van noise increased.

Ends up the "rear end" was out.

Lots of metal shavings and shards in the Pumpkin.

Basically, there was metal spinning around inside the space

that houses the gears that run the wheels.

Purchased part for $1200

and waited two and a half weeks to get the part delivered.

vehicle no longer drivable.

Meanwhile relying on husbands 20 year old rusty clunker.

Yesterday the part was to finally arrive.

We would pay the $500 labor

and have a van by the end of the day.

Not so.

The evening before the part was to arrive...

SOMEONE HIT OUR VAN IN THE FRIGGIN'

SHOP PARKING LOT!!!!!

We received the call, had to go down,

then to the cop shop to get report, then call body shops

insurance, yada yada yada.

Van is totaled. Damage done more than van value.

Insurance won't fix. Doors won't open.

We need new vehicle.

Waaaaah!

Here's the lesson.

I said to my friend...

"People say God only gives you what you can handle.

He must have a lot of faith in me!"

She says...

"Something big is coming for you. Something really great.

You have been through a lot with vehicle and family (long, hard story) lately.

You have to understand the lesson of what you can handle need not only apply to the bad.

It's the good too. 

Have faith in yourself and the goodness you deserve.

Your abilities.

Your worth.

God will only give you as much good as you can handle as well.

Make note of all the bad you endured and realize how much

good you deserve.

You have a lot of good due to you.

Let Him know you want it and can handle it.

It's coming your way."

Cool, huh?

I'm Ready For All The Good!!!!!!