A Cranial Purge

I recently discovered Elizabeth Berg. I am transported every time I open the pages of her books. How is it possible I haven't discovered her sooner?  I just finished "The Year of Pleasures". It is a touching book about love, loss, friendship and self-discovery.

I took pause at a passage about death.

"I thought of the priest who'd told me that many religions hold that it is easier to be closely connected to people we love after death than before."

It really had me thinking.

Have you ever lost someone you deeply love? When you think about them now, do you remember all the good times? The love you felt? Their funny ways, gentle words, generosity? Are there memories of less than pleasant times? Do you have to dig for them or are they just below the surface? When they arrive, do you brush past the unpleasant, excusing it for being in the way, and run straight to the good, spending your reminiscence rolling in love, elation and happiness? I know I do.

I think of my grandmother often. She is no longer 1000 miles away. A phone is no longer necessary to reach her. Now I simply open my heart and ask for guidance, look to the memories and pull out her wisdom.

Perhaps that is not always the case. When we truly love someone who has been hurtful and hard, the memories are not all butterfly wings whispering in our ears. Perhaps there is pain in remembering. Perhaps there are questions left unanswered that beg from the corner to be released.

Even then, is it not easier to see the possibilities of why they were the way they were? Is it not easier to talk to them in spirit than it was in the flesh, whether seeking answers, releasing anger, or working toward forgiveness?

I'm not exactly sure where I'm going with this post. It is most definitely a cranial purge. A pondering dumped onto the page as it works its way around the folds of my brain.

I am going to keep the quote nearby for a bit. To keep me thinking. To remind me to hold my loved ones close to my heart here in the flesh, creating connections strong enough to be felt beyond any space time continuum.

Pondering the Struggle

Early morning.

Lying in bed with my love.

The birds wake, stretch, sing.

Earth quenching rain pouring down.

Trees dancing in the breeze as their thirst is met by the clouds.

Pondering the magic of life.

I am happy.

Sadness spontaneously washes over.

Life is beautifully amazing

yet such a struggle.

There is so much struggle.

When we get wrapped up in survival,

we don't really live.

Back I fall again.

Back into the moment.

My head rises with every breath of my husband's chest.

His heart beats strong and loud.

The birds are still singing,

trees dancing,

rain quenching.

Once again I am happy.

I am present.

I am alive.

I live.

Take time to live in the moment.

(Key word, live.)

Just Do It

No, this is not a motivational speech from the Nike© Ad Campaign. It's me sharing my inner dufus.

I was sitting in my room the other day trying to figure out what the heck my problem is (which was a little impossible as I clearly have more than one problem with each most likely holding multiple solutions) and why I can't stay focused or figure out what it is I am supposed to be focusing on in the first place. I have fibro which gives me fibro brain fog which doesn't help the clarification process in my foggy groggy mind. Beyond the fibro lies the fact that I am responsible 24/7 for the scheduling and well-being of 6 individuals (confusion anyone?). Top that off with my constant desire to figure out my "calling" (like successfully raising four kids and a husband to be sound, happy, highly functioning individuals isn't calling enough) in life. It all adds up to a mixed up feeling of discontent.

I want to feel successful at something. I want to make money. I want to have a life outside of motherhood and wifely duties.

I thought I would meditate on my little dilemma for a while. My most successful meditations occur during heavy duty laundry folding expeditions, so I gathered several baskets of clean, unfolded clothing and began to fold. The monotony of folding, the clean smell of the clothing, the sharp snap of the clothes as I... okay I'm getting off track here.

I set my mind to laundry folding auto-pilot and let my sub-conscience kick in. What would Ghandi do to solve my problems? What about Tolle or Chopra?

Question #1 - How do I become successful?
Sub-conscience Answer - Do - to be successful you must first get out of your head and into your body. Put your desires, your dreams into action. If you don't know exactly what you are to be doing? Do something. Anything. Action is the answer. Get the ball rolling. A body in action stays in action. Do

Question #2 - How do I know what my life calling is? What am I supposed to be doing with my life (aside from be the best damned mom money can't buy? Who am I supposed to be?
Subconscience Answer - Be - Be yourself. Be present. Exist as you are. Don't dwell on it. Don't question it. Don't think about it. Just BE. If you live as you are without the mental chatter and allow yourself to just Be you without judgment, pre-meditative action, planning, if you just exist as you are, you will know who you truly are. You will live from the heart and soul rather than the head. You will realize you already are as you are supposed to Be. And you will find happiness in that. Be you.

There were my answers. Two tiny little words. I repeated them in my head over and over to adhere them to memory.

Do

Be

Do

Be

Next thing you know, this is what it sounded like in my skull...

Do Be Do Be DooBeeDooBeeDoo

Egad! Even my sub-conscience is a dork! No wonder I can't focus. It's too amusing in here (points to cranium).

For shits and giggles I looked up a few Doo Bee Doo Bee's for you!

#1

According to www.urbandictionary.com

	doo bee doo
	Sound made by bored people to fill silence. Mostly in textual communication, but sometimes in verbal. Originates from people whistling or singing a little tune when idle. personone: Doo bee doo persontwo: hum dee dum personthree: lah dee dah

#2

DooBeeDooBeeDoo a cross-cultural on-line music magazine

#3

#4

confession

Hi.

My name is Lynn.

It's been six days since my last post.

Ooops!

Wrong group!

Tee hee! 

;)

I've been reflecting a lot lately.

It has me a bit discombobulated

which causes a lack of ability to form coherent thoughts.

The reflecting reminds me a bit of our neglected pool.

Pool / Life

looks inviting

but it's been neglected

pool cover / emotional wall

has a hole allowing water to escape / has a hole allowing inside out

 

figure perhaps it's wisest to remove

 pull off cover / break down wall

pool is green underneath / exposes buried feelings, dreams

what a mess

must clean up

how to start?

overwhelmed

give up

start drowning

see the ladder

it's just a reflection

wallow

desperate

fear drowning

remember I can swim

start swimming

swimming

swimming

all the swimming is building muscles

making me stronger

see net just out of reach

stretch, reach, fight

grab net

a tool

start sifting

that's where I'm at

sifting...

Crossroads

Yesterday I had the opportunity to take a walk with a good friend.
We have been setting dates once a week for the past four weeks.
Every week we go to a different small town
eat at a different small eatery
take in the local shops
and drive the local roads.

On our weekly lunch dates
we have spent time discussing and pondering our lives.
We talk of where life has taken us,
where we feel we are headed,
where we hope to head
and all the possibilities out there.


Yesterday we found a quaint little town called Rockdale.
We saw a path that led to a bridge
that also led to the trail.
We headed down the path
as we could not resist the canopy of trees.

Not too far into our walk we came upon a crossroads.
I kid you not! An actual crossroads!
Can you see it below?
One path is graveled quite nicely
while the other is more grassy and natural.

I giggled and couldn't resist giving my friend Rosie a small crossroads speech.
"You see Rosie?
All this talk and contemplation we have been doing and here it is!
Our actual crossroads right here in front of us! You must pick!
Pick a path! Which way should we go?"

That's the last time I let her make the decisions! Ha!
No sooner did we head in her chosen direction than we came upon a red sign
(yes, a literal "sign")
that read...

"WRONG WAY"

Oh did we laugh and laugh!

How completely fitting for two silly wanderers.

(Rosie and the "wrong way")