Friday, June 24, 2011

Who The Hell Do I Think I Am?

Perfectionism is a disease.
Not that I'm perfect.
No.
Far from it.

Yet it halts me in my tracks.
Stops me like a deer in headlights.
That damned fear I have of judgment.

Remember Gertrude (my inner critic)?
You can find her

She and I have been going at it lately.
This time has been different.
I've been kicking her butt!

I was walking out of the vet's office the other day.
I walked into an invisible wall of awareness.
Hit me smack dab in the face.
Stopped me in my tracks.

Gertrude puts all these doubts in my head.
She makes me feel like I can't do what I want.
She shoves fear in my face.
On occasion she has even tripped me.
Bitch!
Seeing how Gertrude is a part of me,
the Awareness Wall made me realize it is ME who is stopping me.
I'm the only one in my way.
I'm the one with the excuses.
I'm the one who lets her get away with her evil plans to hold me back.

I want to write.
I want to take pictures.
I want to do encaustics.
I want to make money.
I want to move.
I want to live.

Everything on that list is do-able.
The Encaustic thing.
Fell in love with it years ago.
I don't make any because what I make looks and feels like shit to me.
Yesterday I was thinking...
Who the hell do I think I am?
Why do I expect perfection out myself?
Especially in the beginning?
Who do I think I am that I expect a masterpiece when I pick up a brush?
Everyone has to start somewhere.
I need to practice to get better.
I'm no Picasso.
Never will be.
Even he has critics.
My pieces are sloppy, immature, willy nilly.

That's OKAY!!!
I'm finding my voice.
Years ago I made some pieces and stopped.
A year later I made some more, hated them and stopped.
I haven't created in a long time so I sat down yesterday to create.
Not good.
Guess what????
I'm not stopping!
I'm going to play and learn.
That's how kids get started.
They don't judge their work.
They create.
They grow with each creation.
They play fearlessly.

I watch my children create
and fall in love with every piece.
Observation of their process is such a liberating event.
Play, enjoy, create.
For the sake of playing, enjoyment and creation.

I am going to step back into the process of learning encaustic.
It's okay if I don't create masterpieces.
I am new to the process and self-taught.
I am a kindergartener.
Just starting out.

Play, enjoy, create.



To Gertrude: You can come play with me but only if you play nice!

7 comments:

beth said...

it's hard to squash our inner critic....i practice all the time and i'm so far from perfecting it.....

lilabraga said...

...just do it!!! you should stop procrastinating and just do it!!...you will be amazed how great it feels to do what your heart desires...stop competing with others...compete against your self and then you will start to see wonders!
hugs
lila

John said...

Well I love my ecaustic piece "The Man of the Island", how it looks how it feels and most importantly it has its own unique energy given to it by its creator, that is what truly makes it special. So say goodbye to Gertrude, she doesn´t know what she is talking about.

Your work is beautiful in every way.

Caroline said...

YES...just do it. Our inner critics can be tough...but follow your heart...it's much stronger. Do what feels good and makes you happy! Tell Gertrude to suck it! LOL

Jenni Horne said...

Ok. First, painting is a process. You have to practice!! Just like learning anything new....bike, piano, guitar. Your enthusiasm for it so it should help the transition a more natural learning curve. Also, in a painting online course I am taking they shared a video with someone named Ira who is now a famous radio personality. He said, "it's ok to suck.". I just laughed myself silly at that. Because it is. And man i do sometimes. But then there is the aha moment when you find yourself lost in the wax and voila! You emerge as an artist. Good luck!!

G-Pride Farm said...

Lucy-L, I think you think too much. I suggest, strongly suggest, you close your thoughts and go with the flow of emptiness and create out of the heart. Your words reflect so much inside your head, they are beautiful thoughts, yet, I look forward to seeing more, but from inside your heart. Those 2 paintings, they are a glimpse inside you, go with it girl!!!
Oh and I have been trying to post replies to you, but blogger isn't cooperating with me, I don't like the changes they made if they keep me from talking with other bloggers.

Elena said...

I love the fact that I am coming late to this post. I was able to read backwards and saw what you created. And can't help but appreciate the fact that once you acknowledged that Gertrude is a part of you, and that you don't have to give her all the power,you stood out of your own way. I think that's why you had that persistent little image that begged to come forth. I completely understand your feelings of perfection. And know that creations look/feel so different when created by letting go instead of trying to control the outcome. The creations on this post are beautiful. And sorry this is reading so disconnected. I woke up to give Mama her meds so I'm half awake. Or that's my excuse anyway. :)

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