Friday, October 14, 2011

Tattoos



This post is a piece of fiction I created from a writing prompt over at Write On Edge. The prompt: "This week, we’d like you to write a piece in which a tattoo figures prominently. Fiction or creative non-fiction. There is a lot to think about: why someone would get one, what they chose, when they got it, what message does the tattoo(s) send? You will have 300 words with which to play."


  
Tattoos
 by Lynn Retzlaff

Hank was big, burly and rough looking. Mandy knew her mother didn’t approve of their relationship but she was in love with him and desperately wanted her mother’s approval. To better acquaint them, Mandy planned a special dinner. Beatrice was punctual as always and was not shy to show her disgust that Mandy’s boyfriend had not yet arrived.
“Please, Mother. He’ll be here. Let me pour you a glass of chardonnay to calm your nerves.”  Mandy suggested.
“I’ll take the chardonnay, but if it’s nerves you think are bothering me, you’re dead wrong young lady. It’s bad enough your boyfriend has those God-awful tattoos, but to be late to a dinner that was planned weeks ago? That’s just unacceptable!”
“He probably had to work late.” Mandy went about her business pulling the roast from the oven and covering the potatoes to keep them warm. Hank may be hard on the outside, but inside he was made of teddy bear stuffing. Her mom simply needed to get to know him better.
            Half past the hour Hank came barreling through the front door. “Sorry I’m late ladies!” he practically sang as he flopped into the head chair at the table.
            Beatrice had downed two glasses of wine while waiting and could no longer bite her tongue. “You should be sorry! You should be downright ashamed! Look at you showing up late when Mandy has put so much work into this dinner, and WHAT is with those tattoos!! One is bad enough but you look like a road-map gone dreadfully wrong!” She focused in on one particular tattoo on Hank’s upper right arm that had bothered her since their first encounter. “And who in the world is Desiree!!”
            “Desiree was my kitten when I was a boy. She died in a house fire...”

16 comments:

Galit Breen said...

I love Beatrice. She's fabulous. :)

And Hank sounds like a keeper! :)

John said...

Wonderful little twist at the end there!

Tina Lane said...

I do like a good teddy bear. And that last line with Hank was adorable.

John said...

What a great little story.

Barbara @ de rebus, via Write on Edge said...

HA! Love Beatrice, GREAT character there. Poor boyfriend - what a lovely little twist at the end.

In terms of concrit, I would focus on showing not telling.

For example: "Beatrice was punctual as always and was not shy to show her disgust that Mandy’s boyfriend had not yet arrived."

Could you show me the disgust instead of saying it? "Wrinkling up nose, Beatrice breathed heavily while tapping her watch. She raised an eye and asked if it was possible her watch had broken or was it fact ten past the time set for dinner?"

Your dialogue is jumping - I'd love to see showing description as well!

:)

Glenn Stenson said...

Love your humor. Bet Beatrice filled her wine glass again!

nacherluver said...

Thanks for the support everyone. I'm new at this fiction writing thing. Barbara, thanks for the positive feedback and the gentle constructive criticism. Good suggestion.

Amanda said...

i love it! I felt like i was right there at their dinner table! hank, what a softy!!!

Elena said...

Oh so glad to see you writing again! Loved it!

Cheryl said...

Oh, this made me giggle! Between Beatrice and Hank having a tattoo over a kitten...SO fun!

Laura said...

There's a name for a story like this..and I don't know it. not a writer but...it's something to do with a quick change of perspective..Love it lady!!

angela said...

I love the image of Hank coming into the room, unaware of Beatrice's veiled wrath. And then a kitten tattoo :)

Rebel Chick said...

I couldn't help but laugh at the ending, I loved this story!

emily wierenga said...

this has so much energy. truly captivating.

sarah said...

AWESOME! I love it - what a classic twist. ;)

Jess said...

GAH! I want more than 300 words. You left us hanging! :)

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