When I was very young I kept a diary.
As I grew older, I grew closer to those pages.
They were safe, they were available, they were a dumping ground.
It was a private playground for my adolescent mind.
Filled with happiness, heartbreak, good times and secrets, my diary was my closest friend.
I wrote, I was honest with myself, I was real.
Life became difficult, confusing, scary, downright mean.
I lost trust.
Trust in myself, trust in others.
I grew up real fast.
My beloved diary changed.
It became a possession.
Something to hide. Something of shame.
Re-visiting the pages made me realize how silly I was,
how juvenile my thoughts and feelings were.
How embarrassing and ridiculously silly a child I was.
I burned that diary.
Many decades have gone by.
I have grown. I have learned.
I have mourned for my lost childhood,
my harshness toward myself.
I no longer live in survival mode.
All these years later, I still have an unhealthy addiction to journals/diaries.
Seeing a beautiful journal I would long to own it,
hold it, have a relationship with it.
I would purchase them
desperately wanting to mark the pages
but I could not.
What if I wrecked it?
What if I wrote something stupid?
What if my handwriting sucks?
What if someone reads it?
What if I can't get real due to fear of exposure?
It was paralyzing.
Many journals were purchased,
many were gifted away.
(a few of the many journals I have acquired over the years including the one I made!)
I don't tell you this to depress you or sound dreary or pathetic.
Quite the contrary.
I am being reborn!!!
Now I turn over a new leaf!!!!
Remember my post from Monday?
I am so excited about my new journal!!!!
I could SCREAM!!!!!!
is all about getting down and dirty with yourself.
Digging into pages,
There are prompts for every page like...
...glue random newspaper page here
...drip something here
...place sticky things here
...fill this page with circles
Her ideas are more on the creative side
than your average wordy journal.
All the better!
That's what I want.
That's what I crave!
Letting it all out.
into every crevice life has to offer.
What a wonderful life tool
this journal will be.
I would use the word homework, but then I probably wouldn't do it!
That sounds like fun!
My new playground!
I hope to share some playground experiences with you in the future.
After all, that would be good practice in trusting again.
Oh Happy, Happy Day!!!!