Thursday, October 21, 2010

Happiness Continued!

When I was very young I kept a diary.
As I grew older, I grew closer to those pages.
They were safe, they were available, they were a dumping ground.
It was a private playground for my adolescent mind.
Filled with happiness, heartbreak, good times and secrets, my diary was my closest friend.
I wrote, I was honest with myself, I was real.

Life became difficult, confusing, scary, downright mean.

I lost trust.
Trust in myself, trust in others.
I grew up real fast.

My beloved diary changed.
It became a possession.
Something to hide. Something of shame.

Re-visiting the pages made me realize how silly I was,
how juvenile my thoughts and feelings were.
How embarrassing and ridiculously silly a child I was.

I burned that diary.

Many decades have gone by.
I have grown. I have learned.
I have mourned for my lost childhood,
my harshness toward myself.

I no longer live in survival mode.

All these years later, I still have an unhealthy addiction to journals/diaries.
Seeing a beautiful journal I would long to own it,
hold it, have a relationship with it.
I would purchase them
desperately wanting to mark the pages
but I could not.

What if I wrecked it?
What if I wrote something stupid?
What if my handwriting sucks?
What if someone reads it?
What if I can't get real due to fear of exposure?
What if...

It was paralyzing.
Many journals were purchased,
many were gifted away.

 (a few of the many journals I have acquired over the years including the one I made!)

I don't tell you this to depress you or sound dreary or pathetic.
Quite the contrary.
I am being reborn!!!


Now I turn over a new leaf!!!!
Remember my post from Monday?

I am so excited about my new journal!!!!
I could SCREAM!!!!!!

is all about getting down and dirty with yourself.
Digging into pages, 
being creative,
being real,
having fun!

There are prompts for every page like...
...glue random newspaper page here
...drip something here sticky things here
...fill this page with circles

Her ideas are more on the creative side
than your average wordy journal.
All the better!
That's what I want.
That's what I crave!

Letting it all out.
Being fearless.
Allowing creativity
and honesty
and fun
into every crevice life has to offer.

What a wonderful life tool
this journal will be.

I would use the word homework, but then I probably wouldn't do it!
Same reaction.

How about

That sounds like fun!
My new playground!

I hope to share some playground experiences with you in the future.
After all, that would be good practice in trusting again.

Oh Happy, Happy Day!!!!


John said...

History in the making? Good for you Lynn, be fearless and a pioneer of you.

Jess said...

Oh, man. I've burned diaries and journals in the past too.

I. Hear. You. Sister.

Now plow on ahead!

Elena said...

OOOOH I love your handmade journal. And ha! I have a hidden stack of empty journals too. Always thinking what if I die and my family comes to clean out my house and finds my journals. Now I think...hmmm they'd probably enjoy it. Go play! You have given yourself the permission to do so. And go read my fear post. No holding back.

julochka said...

i remember when i discovered "wreck this journal," it was a freeing moment, but honestly, i find blogging to be the main journal i need. :-) tho' your fingers don't get as messy as they do with pastels.


Jaime said...

*what if someone reads it*
This has kept me from writing in journals for a long time. What a burden to carry...and a strange one, as I am one who loves to talk openly and honestly with those that are closest to me. I suppose I am more private than I realize.

I have Keri's journal as well....I feel like a kid when I open (and sometimes destroy) those pages! A great way to crush perfectionism.

Happy wrecking!

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