Friday, November 12, 2010


I've been feeling pretty down on myself lately.
I didn't know what I was thinking trying NaNoWriMo.
Four kids to raise, a baby during the day,
end of quarter conferences, meetings,
laundry, dishes, broken down vehicles,
messy house, homework and errands. Oh my!
My chronic pain is through the roof.
I haven't had time to blog in days.
Why did I think I could do NaNoWriMo?
Like every year, I began to feel like a failure.
The feeling sucks. I was folding. Giving up.
Then I was doodling as I tend to do,
when I realized something.

 Failing and falling are only one letter away from each other.
I thought about that.
Failing has such negative connotations.
No one wants to fail.
I certainly don't want to be considered a failure.

What about falling?
If someone is falling we try to catch them.
We create a soft landing.
We help them up.
We care.
 We are gentle and concerned wanting to know if they are okay.

I changed my perception.
I am not failing, I am falling.
I am having a hard time and I need help.
I am changing my internal dialog.
I am choosing positive words,
treating myself like I would others.
No more knocking myself down and folding.
I will pick myself up and dust myself off.

My perception about my challenge has changed. 
I may not make it to 50,000 words in 30 days.
I am realizing my physical disorder may not allow it.
I will make it the 30 days (and beyond).
If I complete the time and I complete the words,
I have accomplished NaNoWriMo
regardless of what the RuLeS say.
I will not give up.
I will succeed.

I am off to write, play and live!

How has your internal dialog been treating you lately?
Need a little help?

You are beautiful, you are amazing, you are valuable, you are loved.


Elena said...

Oh dearest, of course you can do this. Nobody said it has to be the 30 days. It's not about finishing first, it's about proving to yourself what you already know deep inside. And if you don't, no sweat. Love your enlightened doodlings. Fail/ haven't fallen. Just stumbled a little while the little voice inside tries to make you believe far worse. That list you mentioned in the first paragraph shows how much you are capable of achieving. And you still have the courage to face your pain and give voice to your creativity. I say Rock On! You can use me as a crutch anytime!

John said...

Well Lynn, how perceptive about failing and falling. But of course how can you ever think you are a failure, doing all that you do, caring, nurturing, loving and inspiring. There is never failure when you are doing your very best.

Jess said...

Isn't that so true? We would never treat other people the way often harshly treat ourselves. And you're so right, just getting up and trying again is worth more than making it to 50,000 words.

Caroline said...

Love love love this post. We as women put way to much pressure on our selves. You are not failing...far from it dear. Look at everything you have going on! I am making a point, as of today, to stop being shitty to myself. You read my post...I made the first step by getting rid of someone that made me question my abilities. He made me feel so small. And the worst thing, was that I needed (or more like wanted) his validation. And for what???? Why was his validation necessary for me to live my life? Would his approval make me a better or more important person? WTF! Why do we torture ourselves like this?

You are amazing...and beautiful! You are a firework (Oh God I have to stop using that reference). But it's true!

Anyway, thanks for letting me ramble here. I feel so much better!


Shannon said...

wow, what a beautiful reflection. i love this. so much of our perception really is in our mind isn't it? asking for help can be hard - i'm still working on that one. i love your words...keep playing and being the beautiful YOU that you are.

JoMo said...

Negative self-talk is awful. I'm so glad you've changed your point of view. You are right. You're doing your best. Keep it up, you can do it.

beth said...

oh gosh...can i just ditto what elena and caroline said and then add that it'd be great if you could come up for lunch again....i know we can get juliette to join us too :)

Jaime said...

I am standing under you, arms open, waiting to catch you!
How write for you, when you want, how much you want...who cares about someone else's rules! Who made up these rules anyways?!!?

Boy, we are so hard on ourselves....yet so gentle with others. It made me cry once, when I finally stopped and took a good hard look at how mean I was being to myself. I still do it, but my awareness is is yours! Keep writing, beautiful you...and do it only for you!

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