Friday, July 9, 2010

Nightmares

(I suffer from PTSD due to several events in my life. I have come a long way working through heavy issues. I am still affected. My biggest symptom now is recurrent nightmares. Wish there was something I could do. I try to keep a spiral by my bed. Strange what it captures. I woke from dreams the other night and wrote down the thoughts filling my head. I had forgotten what I had written. Today I picked up the spiral. It's always surreal to me. I don't necessarily remember the dreams days later as I have trained myself to forget and get over it. Obviously the feelings are deep. This is what I wrote.)



I have been diving deeper and deeper into myself.
Searching the depths of my soul.
Seeking truth, seeking self.

I find love.
Lots and lots of love.
It is promising.
Past this love,
deep down at the core of my being
I find fear and sadness.
They mingle and stir
and bubble to the surface.

Blip
Blip
Blip

Bubbles pop releasing their poison into my life.
Why?
 Why must I be afflicted by the thorns of childhood?
Thorns of past.
How do I heal?
How do I live?

(It's rather interesting. I don't remember the dream. I had forgotten what I had written. Yet for several days after I was in a depressive stupor. A feeling of anguish, darkness, failure, misery was riding through my days with me. This is what my dreams do to me even when I push them aside and excuse them. Now I am facing the feelings that lingered. I will excuse them as well. Today is a new day. A beautiful day. A bright and promising day. I will access the fire in my belly and move on with energy, expression, fascination at life. Today will be a day of happiness and love.)

fire courtesy of our backyard pit :)

2 comments:

Silke said...

Gosh, I was going to leave you a light hearted comment about the etsy treasury question you had and then saw your post. I used to have lots and lots of horrible nightmares growing up and into my 20's (I grew up under not such happy circumstances), but as I worked out my "stuff" and became happier, my nightmares totally disappeared. I hope the same will happen for you!! Hugs, Silke

P.S. The treasuries are done right in Etsy. And fun to do!

G-Pride Farm said...

Big Hug being sent your way. Overcoming unhappiness is so hard. But sounds like your on your way to dealing with your unhappy past. God be with you on your journey.

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