Look Up

I rarely put myself first and am realizing how unhealthy that can be. My conditioning taught me to be a people pleasing caretaker. I have always put everyone else first and it has hurt me severely. It's not that I wanted to be last, I just couldn't figure out how to put myself first without hurting someone else. Someone wins, someone loses. Me? Or them? Conditioning taught me to self-sacrifice.

What a terrible dilemma! Either I put myself first and feel selfish for hurting others, or I put everyone else first and I suffer. That is a no win situation. 

I'm learning. 

Being able to put yourself first is important in life. You are the most important person in your life. Without you, you have no life. Putting yourself first can be empowering and liberating. It is also how you get ahead. Putting yourself first is good, unless done at the cost of others. Then you are acting out of ego. You are saying "I am better than, more important than." You are creating hurt.

If done correctly, everyone benefits.

So...

what is the correct way?

I think I may have figured it out!

Each one of us must put ourselves first in order to thrive and survive.

Putting yourself first means you must cast off others. Use them as stepping stones. Use them to build a wall so you can find your rightful place at the top. Right?

Wrong.

Try looking at it as a race. Place yoursef first. 

Then...

grab the hands of those around you. Walk shoulder to shoulder, together, in the lead. If you get to a point where you feel the energy or need to surge ahead? Don't drop hands, pull them along! Set an example. Lead the way. Share the empowered feeling of being first. It will pay off if you stumble or tire. By that time, the bond between hands will be strong and it will be you who will be carried along until you have regained strength.

We all must work together in order to win the race.

The Human Race.

Look up. What do you see? Vastness. Eternity.

Does it make you feel small?

I'm sure it does if you stand alone.

Stand together.

Walk together.

Run if you have to.

Just don't let go.

If you feel yourself slipping?

I got you babe.

I am taking this moment in time to recognize that I have never put myself first. I am also realizing that I need to start. In doing so, I vow to hang on to the hands of all those I love, leaving no one behind and adding the hands that reach out to me. In putting myself first I will grow in self-esteem, in empowerment and in self. I will set an example and pass the feeling on through all the hands I hold.

The Climb

I am a vine

climbing toward glory

clinging to my path the best I know how.

Dark skies move in carrying dangerous winds.

I am tried and tested.

I cling tight.

Reaching and stretching, gaining and growing.

My roots may be short but my reach is long.

I climb on.

Unwelcome guests may enter my space

pulling and tugging,

attempting to sabotage my growth.

I see the light and climb

higher and higher

drawing sustenance from that which grounds me.

Some days leave me tattered and torn.

Weathering storms and droughts

my will is strong.

Do you see me as weed,

as leaf, as vine?

I know God sees me as purely divine.

With Faith, I climb on.

Growing Pains

Looking across my brown, dead, dry, drought stricken lawn, I spotted this beauty basking in the sun.
I dare you to call it a weed! I see a glorious flower! An opportunist! A survivor! Alive!

Growing can be uncomfortable.

Nothing fits quite right.

Intrusive growing pains.

Feeling awkward.

Not sure what to expect.

Emotions all over the map.

Saying goodbye to the old and hello to the new.

Learning to accept the new you while saying goodbye to the old.

I see my children going growing through change all the time.

They are growing up.

It is my job to be there for them.

Support them. Embrace them.

Teach them to accept and love themselves every step of the way.

I now see myself growing through change as well.

Spiritually and mentally.

I am learning it is my job to be there for myself as well.

To accept and love myself every step of the way.

Sometimes it feels awkward, uncomfortable, even hard.

Change is hard. Change is scary.

Sometimes it is absolutely necessary.

As I tear off the old ragged layers and snuggle into the new

I am finding comfort and beauty and happiness.

Lots of growing pains going on at my house.

With each new stretch of growth comes glory.

Being Real

 I have been sitting at the computer for over a half an hour writing and re-writing this post.

Part of me wants to dump a long story on the page.

Part of me wants to hide my struggle.

The part of me that won is the part of me that likes to keep things simple and real.

This is me.

Simple

and

Real

Flaws and all.

 I was standing outside of my vehicle talking to an acquaintance this past weekend.

One of my kids, waiting inside, grabbed my camera and (unbeknownst to me) snapped this shot.

A few days later, I uploaded the weekend photos to my computer. I found this picture.

My hand instantly went to the delete button.

Common practice. I am the one behind the camera. Not the one in the pictures.

I see this picture and I see a dirty window, a wrinkled face, a goofy expression.

I see myself and I judge and criticize and condemn (over and over and over).

I see others and I love and embrace and accept.

Why am I so hard on myself? Why do I find it hard to look at myself?

~ ~ ~

This picture is taken of me as seen through my child's eyes.

This person is who my children unconditionally love.

They don't judge me, criticize me, tear me down.

This is the same person who my friends lift up and love.

What do they see that I don't? 

Perhaps a better question would be, why don't I see what they do?

On the surface I do a fairly good job of self-acceptance (for the most part), flaws and all.

Laugh it off, toughen up, nobody's perfect. Right?

Deep down it's a different story. When I get to the core, I don't let anything go.

I condemn myself and judge myself to the harshest degree.

I have been digging deep lately and have realized that my harshest self-punishment

has been the condemnation of my young self. I was severely mistreated and I blamed myself.

All these years I have held onto the self-hate and loathing.

The sick feeling that it was my fault. That I deserved it. That I was worthless, expendable.

Why was I so weak? Why did I allow it? I blamed myself.

Why has it always been so much easier to accept and forgive others?

Even those who have hurt or betrayed me?

Perhaps because I never saw myself the way I see others. As a person. Someone who matters.

Seeing myself through my child's eyes has created a change in perspective for me.

I am really looking at myself (possibly) for the first time.

My eyes have opened WIDE. I want forgiveness.

I want to learn to forgive myself and ask God to forgive and heal me.

Body, mind, soul.

 

Looking again at my children, I now see the youth in me.

If my children were ever as scared or injured as I was when I was young, would I condemn them?

Judge them? Blame them? Continuously punish them?

Never!

I would love them, hold them, heal them.

If they didn't know how to protect themselves, to fight back, to not be a victim,

would I lay continuous guilt on them?

No! I would empower them and teach them and embrace them.

If their reaction, retaliation and coping mechanisms to the pain were not pretty,

were harmful, were wrong, would I brush them aside and let them continue to destroy themselves?

Again, the answer is no.

I would hold them tight, let them kick, scream and cry.

Let them get all the ugliness out and I would fill the space with love and light.

 Pardon me while I weep.

Lesson learned.

Time for the healing to begin.

Play Day

A magical play day.

Visions of dreams.

Good eats, loads of laughs, art abound, all around.

hey

play

day

Imagination awakened.

Heart light.

Happiness flitting about like leaves in the wind.

hey

play

day

Weekend gone.

Play day done.

Back to the daily grind.

hey

play

day

Look back now

on shadow self

wondering where she went.

hey

play

day

Life lacks lustor

during everyday tasks.

Back to the daily grind.

hey

play

day

Make new mission.

New life position.

Make every day a play day.

hey

play

day

play day with a friend

Just Do It

No, this is not a motivational speech from the Nike© Ad Campaign. It's me sharing my inner dufus.

I was sitting in my room the other day trying to figure out what the heck my problem is (which was a little impossible as I clearly have more than one problem with each most likely holding multiple solutions) and why I can't stay focused or figure out what it is I am supposed to be focusing on in the first place. I have fibro which gives me fibro brain fog which doesn't help the clarification process in my foggy groggy mind. Beyond the fibro lies the fact that I am responsible 24/7 for the scheduling and well-being of 6 individuals (confusion anyone?). Top that off with my constant desire to figure out my "calling" (like successfully raising four kids and a husband to be sound, happy, highly functioning individuals isn't calling enough) in life. It all adds up to a mixed up feeling of discontent.

I want to feel successful at something. I want to make money. I want to have a life outside of motherhood and wifely duties.

I thought I would meditate on my little dilemma for a while. My most successful meditations occur during heavy duty laundry folding expeditions, so I gathered several baskets of clean, unfolded clothing and began to fold. The monotony of folding, the clean smell of the clothing, the sharp snap of the clothes as I... okay I'm getting off track here.

I set my mind to laundry folding auto-pilot and let my sub-conscience kick in. What would Ghandi do to solve my problems? What about Tolle or Chopra?

Question #1 - How do I become successful?
Sub-conscience Answer - Do - to be successful you must first get out of your head and into your body. Put your desires, your dreams into action. If you don't know exactly what you are to be doing? Do something. Anything. Action is the answer. Get the ball rolling. A body in action stays in action. Do

Question #2 - How do I know what my life calling is? What am I supposed to be doing with my life (aside from be the best damned mom money can't buy? Who am I supposed to be?
Subconscience Answer - Be - Be yourself. Be present. Exist as you are. Don't dwell on it. Don't question it. Don't think about it. Just BE. If you live as you are without the mental chatter and allow yourself to just Be you without judgment, pre-meditative action, planning, if you just exist as you are, you will know who you truly are. You will live from the heart and soul rather than the head. You will realize you already are as you are supposed to Be. And you will find happiness in that. Be you.

There were my answers. Two tiny little words. I repeated them in my head over and over to adhere them to memory.

Do

Be

Do

Be

Next thing you know, this is what it sounded like in my skull...

Do Be Do Be DooBeeDooBeeDoo

Egad! Even my sub-conscience is a dork! No wonder I can't focus. It's too amusing in here (points to cranium).

For shits and giggles I looked up a few Doo Bee Doo Bee's for you!

#1

According to www.urbandictionary.com

	doo bee doo
	Sound made by bored people to fill silence. Mostly in textual communication, but sometimes in verbal. Originates from people whistling or singing a little tune when idle. personone: Doo bee doo persontwo: hum dee dum personthree: lah dee dah

#2

DooBeeDooBeeDoo a cross-cultural on-line music magazine

#3

#4

confession

Hi.

My name is Lynn.

It's been six days since my last post.

Ooops!

Wrong group!

Tee hee! 

;)

I've been reflecting a lot lately.

It has me a bit discombobulated

which causes a lack of ability to form coherent thoughts.

The reflecting reminds me a bit of our neglected pool.

Pool / Life

looks inviting

but it's been neglected

pool cover / emotional wall

has a hole allowing water to escape / has a hole allowing inside out

 

figure perhaps it's wisest to remove

 pull off cover / break down wall

pool is green underneath / exposes buried feelings, dreams

what a mess

must clean up

how to start?

overwhelmed

give up

start drowning

see the ladder

it's just a reflection

wallow

desperate

fear drowning

remember I can swim

start swimming

swimming

swimming

all the swimming is building muscles

making me stronger

see net just out of reach

stretch, reach, fight

grab net

a tool

start sifting

that's where I'm at

sifting...

Self-doubt

I swear I have the strangest thought process at times.

It was years ago that I was pondering the subject of self-doubt.

I came up with this quote.

Buah ha ha ha ha!!

I crack me up!!!!

 Today, don't take yourself so seriously.

Let your inner-freak fly.

Laugh a little!

Enjoy life.

Pain & Profanity

Been MIA around here lately.

Dealing with massive fibro flare.

Doc informed me I'm presenting with thoracic outlet syndrome as well as fibro.

Another pain disorder.

Yay. (note the sarcasm there?)

Shit, shit, shit!

Just what I need.

More pain, less gain.

Fibro causes complications with exercise

which is quite a shame considering endorphin release helps pain

and exercise helps release endorphins.

So what's a girl to do?

Sex.

Yup. I said it.

Sex.

Ever notice how a good roll in the hay (temporarily) takes pain away?

If they have learned to bottle serotonin and melotonin,

how come no one has invested in the bottling of endorphin?

Ca-ching!!!!

Do I hear a money maker?

Then again, one would have to be sure to make them time release capsules.

We wouldn't want the whole world walking around with silly grins,

craving a smoke,

wanting to cuddle!

or would we?!?!?!!!

(best silly grin representation I could find in my files on the fly... tee hee!)

Quick Quote

Came up with a quote one day.

Actually, a jingle came with it in my head.

Happiness is hard to find

when you live your life through someone else's eyes.

~Lynn Retzlaff

This is for everyone who worries what others think.

A quote for the inner critique.

For anyone trying to live up to the standards of another.

You get my drift.

Stop worrying about what others think, what others may perceive,

stop self-criticize. Live authentically.

See the world through your own eyes.

Embrace it.

You get my drift.

Hoping it finds its way to the top baby!

Look at the world through your own eyes today

and

Happy Day To You!  :)

Help

After a week and a half of illness and issues in our home

everything appears to be getting back to normal...

...for the most part.

I've been struggling to catch up on daily chores

and having a bit of a problem

recapturing motivation and creativity.

As the frustration grew

I decided to hit my bookself

in search of help

for obvious reasons!

 

Toodles!

I'm off to be inspired.

(what are you doing for yourself today?)

Through Your Eyes

Our eyes are a gift

used to look out at the world.

We see beauty, pain, promise.

There is window shopping

movie watching

site seeing

people watching.

So much time is spent looking out at the world before us.

What about what's in here?

(Tapping closed fist to chest)

What we don't see while looking out is ourselves.

How often do you look in the mirror?

I mean really, Really look?

Do you see yourself for who you are?

Do you see your life for what you have?

How often do you close your eyes and look within?

Gift yourself with some time today.

Time for self-reflection.

Time to look at yourself and see your beauty.

Now close your eyes and look deeper yet.

 

Do you see?

Beautiful, isn't it?!?!?!

List list list list

Today's list prompted by Aimee over at Artsyville!

I'm so frustrated. Today I figured out I'm suffering from Creative Constipation.

Causes? doubt, inhibition, excuses, laziness, fear, restriction, inaction, time
Cures? action, action, action, action, sew, write, create, knit, take photos, play, draw

I have no schooling or training in anything creative, yet I love to create. But I don't create.
I'm a perfectionist and have trouble doing anything that I don't do perfect. I am far from perfect in anything so that is a limiting characteristic.
My favorite types of art are mixed media. The messier the better. So why don't I allow myself to play? I stopped playing as a child when I was very young. I exchanged play and creativity for anal retentiveness and control. I know. Boring, right? But they got me through. Funny thing? I now live with five extremely creative people who cut loose and make constant messes. What do I do? Stress about the mess and obsess on the disorder (I also adore and love all their creations).

From this day forward I vow to work on cutting loose and creating. It won't be perfect and probably never will be. I realize that now. The realization is freeing. Now I will create for fun. For the freeing feeling. I will try my best to let loose and see what becomes (although I will be cleaning up after myself).


(example of the self-talk that wanders through my brain. this particular train of thought happens to be that of increased self-awareness and exploration. problem solving. this is good. me no likey the bad.)

Reflection (w/Lennon udate)

re·flec·tion   (www.dictionary.com)

1. the act of reflecting or the state of being reflected.

2. an image; representation; counterpart.

3. a fixing of the thoughts on something; careful consideration.

4. a thought occurring in consideration or meditation.

Here we are.

The last day of 2010.

365 consecutive days over.

A new batch busting at the seams to cut loose.

How was your year?

Did it treat you good?

Did you treat you good?

What did you learn?

What would you change?

What moments would you savor and live over and over?

What are your hopes and dreams for 2011?

Do you have a resolution?

... a word chosen?

This is a day to reflect.

To dream.

To choose.

To guide us into the new year.

May all your hopes and dreams

come true for you

this bright and beautiful new year.

May you learn, love and live life to the deepest and fullest.

May you be blessed

as you have blessed me

with friendship

love

and laughter.

Happy New Year to

Beautiful YOU!!!! 

Lennon Update: Brought him back to the vet this morning as he is almost four days with no food. They gave him a shot to stop the vomiting and injected fluids under his skin. Sent me home with more prescription cat food to keep trying and two shots that I am supposed to administer (gulp!). One this evening and one tomorrow morning. He is doing very well considering circumstances. Thank you for your continued prayers. Will keep you updated.

 

Reverb - Lesson Learned

Reverb prompt:

Lesson Learned - What was the best thing you learned about yourself this past year? And how will you apply that lesson going forward?   I learned that I'm okay and I'm worth it. I will apply this lesson by trusting my instincts, purging my inner wisdom, spending alone time. I will delve deeper into self-expression and put myself out there raw and vulnerable trusting the powers that be to clothe me in acceptance and love. I will continue to accept myself for who I am and remind myself that I am enough.

There's something about age. It's as if our insides take the energy from our youthful vibrant shells and transform it into wisdom. Our outsides start to look worn and weathered while our insides start to illuminate brighter and brighter. Perhaps it was the tenth anniversary of my 29th birthday this year that has caused this ease of self. Whatever the cause, I accept the gift.

I spend a couple days a week watching a friend's toddler. She's an absolute doll! As I was watching her play yesterday, I thought "This is how I want to approach life." There she sat on the floor living in the present moment. She was observing, learning and striving to achieve. The task before her seemed simple. Put the right block in the right space. She did not grow frustrated. Her attempts were not perfect and the task was not completed yet she did not feel failure. She attempted, she learned, she enjoyed and she moved on. The best part? She sat in her little dress with legs spread wide, drool running down her face without a care in the world. Not an ounce of concern over what others might think. Now that's living!!!! It's amazing how much we can learn by observing children.

Reverb - Different

Reverb prompt:

December 8 – Beautifully Different. Think about what makes you different and what you do that lights people up. Reflect on all the things that make you different – you’ll find they’re what make you beautiful.    Yikes!...and... Egad!  I'm having some kind of strange and negative reaction to this prompt. First I think... "I don't want to speak for others by saying what might light others about me" ...then "sheesh, if I say anything outloud, isn't that being somewhat of a braggard? What if someone judges me? Thinks what I chose was wrong? Thinks I'm a prude for writing something good about myself?"  ... then the real honesty hits. What I do differently? Not much. Those actions or traits that may seem different aren't all that different. I may feel alone in some of them, but there are always others.  I am a devoted at home mom and wife. So are lots of others. I have a strange sense of humor. There are others. I have red hair like a lot of others (although none I know personally).

Perhaps where I am most different is internally (which is probably not so different either, but due to the fact I cannot feel for others, I feel different). I am aware of others. I am an observer. I notice the old woman in the parking lot who struggles to load her car, I notice the child on the playground who is standing alone with his head down, I see the unbelievable beauty of the woman standing in front of me in the store checkout line.

When I see these things, my heart pulls and swells. I feel for them. I want to connect with them. I offer assistance and load the groceries. I walk over to the child and help him learn the skill of self-inclusion in playground games. I tell the woman how stunningly beautiful she is. Sometimes I hold back, unsure if I am being intrusive. Often times the pull is too much and as if to scratch an itch, I act upon my impulse to connect and touch the lives of others.

I find it hardest when there is negativity involved. Standing in line at the store listening to the complaints about the slowness of the clerk. Do I dare butt in and say "but a slow clerk allows us time to meet fellow shoppers" or offer a compliment on the discouraged woman's outfit to help shift her attitude. Usually, I avoid the negative as I am very affected by the energy of others. I have reached out with guidance, good words and help where I have been assaulted with negativity in return.

Perhaps I overstep. Perhaps I am cursed with a big mouth and no filter. But my heart is pure in these actions and I genuinely care, so I like to believe I am gifted with the ability to reach out to and truly care for others.
Again, not so different.
I guess the only thing different about me is the combination of all traits and characteristics that combine to make me unique and truly ME!