Lean Into

                     Drip. 

                         Drop. 

                              Drip. 

                                 

Hugs and kisses were the first order of the day as my children headed out the door for their first day back to school. No one in our household looks forward to back-to-school season. It is an enormous blessing to live in a household full of love, comfort, and safety where enjoyment of the family unit is top priority. It makes back-to-school time bitter sweet. There is much excitement about the new. New teachers, making new friends, a new year of opportunity for learning and growth. Not so much excitement is felt for waking early, boredom in the classroom, parting with the security and comfort of home. BTST is hard on mom too. Watching my loved ones head out the door into the big wide world.

Today I am choosing the words lean into.

I am choosing to lean into this new school year with trust that none of us will not fall. Faith the kids will have the best year ever. Lean in with imagination for all that I will achieve during the day. Lean in and surrender to the flow of life. As I lean in I will whisper my intentions of success to the cloth of the Universe knowing it holds the magic necessary to weave my creative dreams into reality. This new year, new season, new cup of free time will be filled to overflowing with goodness. I vow to fill my cup daily with happiness, health, creativity, peace and love allowing my children to step off the bus directly into the overflow.

             Ah yes.

                     Drip.

                         Drop.

                              Drip.

                                  Drop.

My cup will overflow.

2012 - A Year With Faith

This past year has been a doozy. I have heard the same sentiment from many and witnessed the same from many. A year of challenges, changes, losses, pains. Along with those pains came growth, but at a cost. Perhaps 2012 will be known as the year of growing pains. 

My arms are open and ready to embrace 2013. They are open but not wide. A guarded embrace will take place as the clock strikes twelve. 

As I grew more accustomed to the blogging world over the last few years or so, I embraced the tradition of choosing a word of the year versus making New Year's resolutions. Resolutions never seemed to make it past the idea stage so I had no problem giving up the useless tradition to forge ahead with another. 


2011 - Focus
       I chose the word focus because it was something I needed to work on, something I was greatly lacking. I chose the word and failed it miserably. I had no plan, no idea how to work with a "word of the year" and ironically, no focus! By the end of 2011 I had to look back at the previous year's blog post to see what my word for the year actually was. I had forgotten. Obviously a complete lack of focus. I found the matter to be quite amusing with no sweat off my back.

2012 - Faith
       There was a huge difference with my word for 2012. Difference number one. The word chose me. I did not choose a word, rather I allowed words to play around in my mind until one took hold. I asked the universe to provide my word and it chose Faith. I had been warned that when a word chooses you (versus you choosing a word), you better hang on. The word means business! Can I just say that I believe that was the understatement of the year?
       This past year was one of the hardest of my life. Trust me. I have had some hard, ugly, difficult times. This past year saw my marriage challenged, my world shaken, loved ones lost, and a health issue that had me scared for my life. I am still working on how to shake fear as it is the state I have lived in my entire life, though most say they wouldn't know it (my mask hides me well). I have cried more tears in this past year than I thought possible to produce in a lifetime.
       Faith started out as something I thought one had, only to discover it is something one does, practices, gains. Faith no longer feels like a noun. I believe it to be more of a verb. People say "Have faith". I always thought my grandmother 'had faith'. Faith is something you work to understand, work to gain and then work to keep. Perhaps once you have done all the work you can 'have' it, but there are still times it is threatened and you must work to keep it. It is shaken and you must stabilize. It is questioned and you must defend.
       I walked into my year feeling strong and cocky. "Hmm... cute little word. Pretty sure I know what it means. Let's question it. Digest it. Play with it."
       Faith said, "Oh no you don't! I chose you! This is my year. I get the lead. I take control. You are simply along for the ride."
       Or so it felt.

       I was talking to my husband about a word for this year. He said, "Don't do it." He was as scared for me as I was. He actually said he thought choosing a word to focus on was similar to worshiping a false God. Interesting. Also not real settling. I thought about what he said and thought it sounded a bit like hooey, but at the same time, I was scared. Scared of what the new year would bring, scared to ask for a word, but it had already happened and I knew it. A word had settled in a few weeks prior. I felt it nudging and whispering and trying to attach itself to me. It felt like a good word, a good fit, yet I could not shake the fear it might possibly carry with it a hidden agenda of hard times and painful lessons.
       The word whispered "trust me, you need me" and that's when it hit me.

       When a word chooses you for a year, it is not the word that brings challenges. Life brings challenges. The word allows for transformation. It allows for growth to occur and wisdom to be gained. When walking with a word, we have something to work with, something to lean on, something to guide us. It shows we are open and willing to learn and transform. It is a way for the Universe to guide us. 
       Faith carried me through this past year. At first I questioned it. When I started to think I knew what it was, it made sure to let me know I had a lot to learn. It challenged me and left me until I realized that I was the one who left. When I questioned it, it gave me something to focus on, to learn from. It allowed me to look at things differently. It held my hand through the difficulty and celebrated the good.
       It has been an extremely hard year. I am thankful I had faith by my side. I plan on continuing to grow with/in faith as I know I have a long way to go. Faith is not a word for a year, it is a word for life.
      
2013 -
       This year, my year is my year. I claim it for myself. The word that has nudged me will be at my side. I am keeping it to myself (at least for now), holding it gently and close to my heart. Once again, it picked me. In all honesty, having a word choose me when I wasn't sure whether I wanted a word this year, makes me a bit leery. It is a good word. One of the best. I choose to step into the new year with positive intention and  gratitude. May the new year choose to greet me with the same. May it choose the same for you.

A few months ago I was blessed with a weekend get-a-way with a few other ladies. One is a forever friend, the other I had never met. I almost chickened out. I ended up staying one night instead of two. It was just right. We stayed up late talking deep and long, sharing stories in front of a wood burning stove. The room pictured below is the one I stayed in at the bed and breakfast. So much introspect and healing and dealing of past has gone on for me this year. It was interesting to me that the room I received was representative of the room I had as a small child. It was rather symbolic of the work I've been doing to make peace with my past.

Dear Grandma,

My grandma helped me today.

I was in a really bad way.

I was stuck in an emotional black hole.

The vacuum pressure was sucking me deeper.

I stopped and thought about my grandma.

About how much I missed her.

How much I wished she were still here to give me advice.

Her advice was alway so practical and smart and firm.

Her guidance dished out so matter of fact with a side of love.

I pictured myself going to her Catholic Church (which has also left this earth).

I imagined myself sliding into a pew and kneeling in prayer.

I imagined her rosary and how it would feel in my hands.

I imagined finding her spirit there.

I cried. She heard me.

The answer was loud and clear.

Peace came over me.

Just

like

that.

Where did the message come from?

It was so clear. So real. So matter of fact.

So Grandma.

I heard my Grandma speak to me.

Not with my ears. With my heart.

She is still with me, a part of me, always will be.

I draw from her faith. The strength she left behind.

Instilled in me through years of love, guidance and care.

I keep her alive through my love for her.

Love that is undying.

Dear Grandma,

Thank you for always being there for me. 

I love you.

Sunset. Highway26. Year 2008. 

Quiet

This blog has been quiet lately

I have been feeling quiet.

It feels good so I'm going with it.

I have taken to walking in the wee hours of the morning.

The light is absolutely irresistible.

The sun slowly rises and peeks through the trees like a child peering out from the covers,

"Is it morning yet?"

The rays stretch long and hard.

Day breaks through dusk with full serenade from feathered friends.

We splurged.

A canoe.

Early birthday present for yours truly.

Not in the budget.

Value of peace and serenity?

Priceless!

It's been a long, hard summer.

I have spent a lot of time thinking, reflecting, learning. 

The rest of the summer will be spent living in the moment

appreciating exactly what is in front of me.

Which is everything.

Being Real

 I have been sitting at the computer for over a half an hour writing and re-writing this post.

Part of me wants to dump a long story on the page.

Part of me wants to hide my struggle.

The part of me that won is the part of me that likes to keep things simple and real.

This is me.

Simple

and

Real

Flaws and all.

 I was standing outside of my vehicle talking to an acquaintance this past weekend.

One of my kids, waiting inside, grabbed my camera and (unbeknownst to me) snapped this shot.

A few days later, I uploaded the weekend photos to my computer. I found this picture.

My hand instantly went to the delete button.

Common practice. I am the one behind the camera. Not the one in the pictures.

I see this picture and I see a dirty window, a wrinkled face, a goofy expression.

I see myself and I judge and criticize and condemn (over and over and over).

I see others and I love and embrace and accept.

Why am I so hard on myself? Why do I find it hard to look at myself?

~ ~ ~

This picture is taken of me as seen through my child's eyes.

This person is who my children unconditionally love.

They don't judge me, criticize me, tear me down.

This is the same person who my friends lift up and love.

What do they see that I don't? 

Perhaps a better question would be, why don't I see what they do?

On the surface I do a fairly good job of self-acceptance (for the most part), flaws and all.

Laugh it off, toughen up, nobody's perfect. Right?

Deep down it's a different story. When I get to the core, I don't let anything go.

I condemn myself and judge myself to the harshest degree.

I have been digging deep lately and have realized that my harshest self-punishment

has been the condemnation of my young self. I was severely mistreated and I blamed myself.

All these years I have held onto the self-hate and loathing.

The sick feeling that it was my fault. That I deserved it. That I was worthless, expendable.

Why was I so weak? Why did I allow it? I blamed myself.

Why has it always been so much easier to accept and forgive others?

Even those who have hurt or betrayed me?

Perhaps because I never saw myself the way I see others. As a person. Someone who matters.

Seeing myself through my child's eyes has created a change in perspective for me.

I am really looking at myself (possibly) for the first time.

My eyes have opened WIDE. I want forgiveness.

I want to learn to forgive myself and ask God to forgive and heal me.

Body, mind, soul.

 

Looking again at my children, I now see the youth in me.

If my children were ever as scared or injured as I was when I was young, would I condemn them?

Judge them? Blame them? Continuously punish them?

Never!

I would love them, hold them, heal them.

If they didn't know how to protect themselves, to fight back, to not be a victim,

would I lay continuous guilt on them?

No! I would empower them and teach them and embrace them.

If their reaction, retaliation and coping mechanisms to the pain were not pretty,

were harmful, were wrong, would I brush them aside and let them continue to destroy themselves?

Again, the answer is no.

I would hold them tight, let them kick, scream and cry.

Let them get all the ugliness out and I would fill the space with love and light.

 Pardon me while I weep.

Lesson learned.

Time for the healing to begin.

Faith Continued

 I did not choose this year's word.

It chose me.

Faith

At first I was scared.

That's how I roll.

Fear.

How am I to tackle a year of faith?

I don't even know if I have faith?

What does faith even mean?

Letting go of control?

I work hard to have the little control I have!

That's when I realized that faith is the opposite of fear

and I have always lived holding the hand of fear.

My challenge is to drop fear's hand and pick up the hand of faith.

Faith

is 

trust

letting go

dreaming

believing in something bigger than ourselves

 

We get one shot at life

We must choose how to spend it.

Live dying

or

die living.

Faith.

Yeah.

I could use a good dose of that.

I'll give you five reasons I am choosing to work at walking in faith.

Christmas Day Nature Hike 2012

Faith Quotes

Faith is not without worry or care, but faith is fear that has said a prayer.  ~Author Unknown

Faith is courage; it is creative while despair is always destructive.  ~David S. Muzzey

As your faith is strengthened you will find that there is no longer the need to have a sense of control, that things will flow as they will, and that you will flow with them, to your great delight and benefit.  ~Emmanuel

In faith there is enough light for those who want to believe and enough shadows to blind those who don't.  ~Blaise Pascal

Faith can move mountains, but don't be surprised if God hands you a shovel.  ~Author Unknown

Feed your faith and your fears will starve to death.  ~Author Unknown    

2012

Happy New Year!!!!!

Are you a resolution person?

Do you pick a word for the year?

Do you say, "Not for me." and start your new year

where you left off the old one?

I used to make New Year Resolutions.

They lasted a week (tops).

Perhaps I aimed too high.

Perhaps I didn't take them seriously enough.

Perhaps I made them for all the wrong reason.

A few years ago I discovered the "word of the year" in blogland.

A word for the year.

A chosen word to work with for the year.

To represent the year.

To learn from and grow with over the year.

Two years ago I chose 'positivity'.

Perhaps it chose me.

It was a hard year but with my chosen word,

I was able to find and focus on the positive.

Positivity was a good choice but it did not feel deep or close to me.

Last year I chose the word 'focus' for the simple fact that I lacked any and all.

I figured I would choose it as I needed it desperately.

What did I learn from 'fucus'?

1. boy do I need it!

2. the word works better if it chooses you

 3. in order to focus, you must first know what you're focusing on

4. it's hard to focus with chronic pain

5. with a hubby and four kids, it's nearly impossible to focus!

(By year's end, I had completely forgotten my word, and it was 'focus'. Go figure.)

With 2012 quickly approaching, I started toying with a list of words.

I tried each on for size. Played with them, spoke them, wrote them.

Nothing seemed right so I gave up.

That's when the word of 2012 whispered in my ear.

My word for 2012 is

FAITH

... to be continued.

Do you have a word of the year? A resolution? Please tell!