Lately

I haven't been writing in this space lately. For a long time I couldn't figure out the reason why. A million lot of different thoughts came to mind. I'm too busy. I'm not feeling inspired. I don't have anything to say. I have too much to say. Nobody wants to hear what I have to say. My studio flooded, my camera broke and my computer died. That leaves me with no artwork, no pictures, and no computer to work from, as well as a head full of cluttered words

Today, I am feeling inspired. I'm busy, but making time. I have a lot to say and if you want to read it you can, if not, that's okay too. My studio is still in shambles, and my computer needs fixing but I have this little iPad and it does have a lot of capabilities including a camera (albeit not the greatest).

Today I dive back into my page. Into my purge. I have stifled myself for long enough. It's time to dump the load that sits in my brain. Unclog the mess that's been blocking my flow. I miss this space!

Blogging from a mobile device is new to me. I'm not sure how it works. I might make mistakes. Look like a fool. No matter. No more excuses. No more waiting around for perfection. I will live my life as it is and be thankful for what I have.

The flowers pictured here (which I cannot figure out how to center on the page... I digress...) are very special to me. My husband and I were entering the parking-lot of Farm & Fleet (a farm store with so much more!) when I spotted this little daisy plant growing between the curb and the blacktop lot. I knew it was destined for instant death from traffic or weed killer. The nature lover that I am, I  had to save it! 

"Honey! Look at that beautiful flower! It's going to DIE THERE!!!"

For those of you that don't know me in person, yes, I am THAT dramatic.

"We have to do something! We have to save it! It is a survivor! Living out of that tiny crack in that barren parking-lot. How did it get there? How did it make it this far without proper care and a healthy, safe, nurturing environment?"

Oh Mother Nature, you are Good!!!!! You teach me about myself all the time with your wild and beautiful ways. (As I type this I am relating to the flower. Never realized that before.)

At any rate, my husband knows my passion for the natural world, knows my heart is ten times too big for my own good, knows I cannot help my desperation to save as helping to save others helps save me.

He parked the car, pulled the plant and handed it to me with a smile. 

I took it home, planted it next to my front door and watched. She was a tiny little thing, about six inches high with a few little flowers. She struggled to accept her sudden change. She appeared to wither but hung on, small, still, willing. I watered her, talked to her, loved her. She overwintered without a trace. This spring? She showed up huge, beautiful and full of grace! Just look at her now!

Fun Little Story by Yours Truly

(This story has two endings. Decide which one you like better. Go with it.)

Joe spent his entire life listening to the angel on his right shoulder and the devil on his left. It was exhausting as they had very different voices and each tried to affect his reaction to life in different ways. The devil pointed out all the bad in the world, taught him negative self-talk and showed him how to wallow in misery. The angel, on the other hand, tried to enlighten Joe to all the gifts bestowed upon him and wanted to teach him that even hard times provided gifts of knowledge and growth if you just knew how to see them right.

Joe's life has not been an easy one. He has seen more than his share of heartbreak and hard times. There were plenty of good times as well, but the difficulties seemed to outweigh them. With so much negativity to work through, Joe had the feeling the devil was taking the upper hand in influencing his thoughts.

One day, at the end of his rope, Joe threw his arms up grasping fists full of hair on either side of his head, and begged the angel for help. "Please! Angel! I cannot take any more of the devil's negativity! His voice is so strong and loud and angry! I hear you singing praise. I hear you whispering loving words of encouragement and positivity. I hear you pointing out the good in everything, yet the devil's persistent anger is reaching a deafening level! Please! I beg of you! Help me beat this devil back!"

Ending #1 - With such a desperate plea for help upon him, the angel acted instantly, hopping over to the devil's shoulder and beat the devil senseless. Joe was thrilled! The angel won!
"I knew you had my back!" cried Joe.
Battered and shaken, the devil could hardly believed what just occurred. After a few shaky minutes he stood up, composed himself, regained his sinister look and said to the angel, "Welcome to the dark side!"
Joe then realized that the angel's quick response to his plea of battle had not saved him at all. His angel had fallen.

Ending #2 - The angel heard Joe's plea and wanted to help but he knew the best thing to do was to take his time and respond appropriately. After some head scratching and halo buffing he had an idea.
"Hey devil!" the angel hollered to get his attention. "I'm starting to understand how badly you want to win Joe over so you can make him miserable forever. I would also love to have Joe to myself to fill his mind with goodness. Well guess what? I just discovered the key to winning!"
"Oh yeah?" the devil hollered back venomously. "What is it?"
"Come over here and I'll tell you!" teased the angel.
Never one to turn down an instigation, the devil hopped over to the shoulder occupied by the angel.
"So what's your bright idea little winged man?" the devil teased.
"There's only one way to win." the angel whispered. "You need some of this."
The angel filled his heart with radiant love and blew the devil a kiss. The devil was not prepared to accept such a gift, lost his footing and fell to his death from Joe's shoulder. It appears love was the answer.

~ Lynn Retzlaff


(changed #2 ending slightly as comments were gently suggesting. thank you for your comments!)

The Climb

I am a vine

climbing toward glory

clinging to my path the best I know how.

Dark skies move in carrying dangerous winds.

I am tried and tested.

I cling tight.

Reaching and stretching, gaining and growing.

My roots may be short but my reach is long.

I climb on.

Unwelcome guests may enter my space

pulling and tugging,

attempting to sabotage my growth.

I see the light and climb

higher and higher

drawing sustenance from that which grounds me.

Some days leave me tattered and torn.

Weathering storms and droughts

my will is strong.

Do you see me as weed,

as leaf, as vine?

I know God sees me as purely divine.

With Faith, I climb on.

Growing Pains

Looking across my brown, dead, dry, drought stricken lawn, I spotted this beauty basking in the sun.
I dare you to call it a weed! I see a glorious flower! An opportunist! A survivor! Alive!

Growing can be uncomfortable.

Nothing fits quite right.

Intrusive growing pains.

Feeling awkward.

Not sure what to expect.

Emotions all over the map.

Saying goodbye to the old and hello to the new.

Learning to accept the new you while saying goodbye to the old.

I see my children going growing through change all the time.

They are growing up.

It is my job to be there for them.

Support them. Embrace them.

Teach them to accept and love themselves every step of the way.

I now see myself growing through change as well.

Spiritually and mentally.

I am learning it is my job to be there for myself as well.

To accept and love myself every step of the way.

Sometimes it feels awkward, uncomfortable, even hard.

Change is hard. Change is scary.

Sometimes it is absolutely necessary.

As I tear off the old ragged layers and snuggle into the new

I am finding comfort and beauty and happiness.

Lots of growing pains going on at my house.

With each new stretch of growth comes glory.

Being Real

 I have been sitting at the computer for over a half an hour writing and re-writing this post.

Part of me wants to dump a long story on the page.

Part of me wants to hide my struggle.

The part of me that won is the part of me that likes to keep things simple and real.

This is me.

Simple

and

Real

Flaws and all.

 I was standing outside of my vehicle talking to an acquaintance this past weekend.

One of my kids, waiting inside, grabbed my camera and (unbeknownst to me) snapped this shot.

A few days later, I uploaded the weekend photos to my computer. I found this picture.

My hand instantly went to the delete button.

Common practice. I am the one behind the camera. Not the one in the pictures.

I see this picture and I see a dirty window, a wrinkled face, a goofy expression.

I see myself and I judge and criticize and condemn (over and over and over).

I see others and I love and embrace and accept.

Why am I so hard on myself? Why do I find it hard to look at myself?

~ ~ ~

This picture is taken of me as seen through my child's eyes.

This person is who my children unconditionally love.

They don't judge me, criticize me, tear me down.

This is the same person who my friends lift up and love.

What do they see that I don't? 

Perhaps a better question would be, why don't I see what they do?

On the surface I do a fairly good job of self-acceptance (for the most part), flaws and all.

Laugh it off, toughen up, nobody's perfect. Right?

Deep down it's a different story. When I get to the core, I don't let anything go.

I condemn myself and judge myself to the harshest degree.

I have been digging deep lately and have realized that my harshest self-punishment

has been the condemnation of my young self. I was severely mistreated and I blamed myself.

All these years I have held onto the self-hate and loathing.

The sick feeling that it was my fault. That I deserved it. That I was worthless, expendable.

Why was I so weak? Why did I allow it? I blamed myself.

Why has it always been so much easier to accept and forgive others?

Even those who have hurt or betrayed me?

Perhaps because I never saw myself the way I see others. As a person. Someone who matters.

Seeing myself through my child's eyes has created a change in perspective for me.

I am really looking at myself (possibly) for the first time.

My eyes have opened WIDE. I want forgiveness.

I want to learn to forgive myself and ask God to forgive and heal me.

Body, mind, soul.

 

Looking again at my children, I now see the youth in me.

If my children were ever as scared or injured as I was when I was young, would I condemn them?

Judge them? Blame them? Continuously punish them?

Never!

I would love them, hold them, heal them.

If they didn't know how to protect themselves, to fight back, to not be a victim,

would I lay continuous guilt on them?

No! I would empower them and teach them and embrace them.

If their reaction, retaliation and coping mechanisms to the pain were not pretty,

were harmful, were wrong, would I brush them aside and let them continue to destroy themselves?

Again, the answer is no.

I would hold them tight, let them kick, scream and cry.

Let them get all the ugliness out and I would fill the space with love and light.

 Pardon me while I weep.

Lesson learned.

Time for the healing to begin.

Why?

I followed an internet link this morning.

It shows a photo shoot of Lady Gaga with no makeup.

The real woman.

The real beauty.

Natural.

Free from the mask.

Damned if the comments aren't crude, rude, nasty, judgmental.

Downright MEAN!!!!!

What is wrong with people?

She bares all.

She is gutsy.

She is daring.

She is famous, powerful, smart, strong, dare I say beautiful????

I actually prefer to see the real her.

I'm not a big fan of the performer

but I have gained a whole new respect for the woman.

Why is it that people have to be so mean?

Why do people feel the need to voice their negativity?

Why do people choose to be so hurtful?

It is like a bully mentality, this whole internet thing.

The comment sections disgust me.

Everyone hides behind a screen and throws the ugliness around.

I wonder.

For all those judging.

What do they think of themselves?

How is their career going?

How much money do they have in the bank?

What do they see in their own mirror?

I love, love, LOVE au natural.

I love people for who they are.

The raw them. The real them.

I love that my husband doesn't like makeup.

I still feel uncomfortable leaving the house without a touch of a mask.

"Why?" I ask myself.

Now I know.

It is this crazy media driven world which judges on masks.

Who has the best mask?

Me? I would rather live in a world where everyone took off their masks.

Accepted themselves. Loved themselves.

Mainstream Media

Stop the bullying. The judgment.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

No one is perfect.

We all judge at times.

Myself included.

We can all work on it.

Be aware of the words that cross our lips.

Be aware of the impact our words have on others.

Tonight I am attending a presentation.

I am thrilled to have the opportunity to attend locally.

Here's the scoop.

"A one-hour presentation on Rachel's Challenge. Rachel Scott was the first student killed in the Columbine tragedy. This dynamic presentation will challenge each of us to become proactive parents/community members to help support our kids to embrace and respect individual differences, appreciate the value and worth of all people, stand up for others that are being mistreated, know "who" they are and recognize their worth, and to reach out and help others."

For more info.

What an important message.

(total random side note but somewhat related. yes. more of my rambling cranial purge. shortly after seeing the article on Lady Gaga, I saw a whole article on anti-aging tricks and tips. what does that really mean? we're all going to do it whether we like it or not. anti makes it sound like we're against it. wouldn't it be great if we could embrace it? every line, every wrinkle and grey hair represents time, stories, experience, lessons. how about 'aging gracefully' instead.)

I feel extremely grateful for the online communities I have encountered.

My blog connections.

The online classes I have taken.

My CM sisterhood.

Such an amazing and supportive crowd.

I am in love with the positivity, the love, the generosity.

It's out there. I know it is. I see it and feel it every day.

Perhaps it's not the norm. Perhaps it's not everywhere.

But the love is there.

Please keep this in mind as you go about your day.

Pass a little love around today.

Make a ripple.

If we all join in, we'll be making waves.

ripples

Thank you.

All of you.

For being here.

For reading.

For your love, positivity and support.

I love you.

Have a beautiful day.

Success!

 

 

 

confession

Hi.

My name is Lynn.

It's been six days since my last post.

Ooops!

Wrong group!

Tee hee! 

;)

I've been reflecting a lot lately.

It has me a bit discombobulated

which causes a lack of ability to form coherent thoughts.

The reflecting reminds me a bit of our neglected pool.

Pool / Life

looks inviting

but it's been neglected

pool cover / emotional wall

has a hole allowing water to escape / has a hole allowing inside out

 

figure perhaps it's wisest to remove

 pull off cover / break down wall

pool is green underneath / exposes buried feelings, dreams

what a mess

must clean up

how to start?

overwhelmed

give up

start drowning

see the ladder

it's just a reflection

wallow

desperate

fear drowning

remember I can swim

start swimming

swimming

swimming

all the swimming is building muscles

making me stronger

see net just out of reach

stretch, reach, fight

grab net

a tool

start sifting

that's where I'm at

sifting...