Look Up

I rarely put myself first and am realizing how unhealthy that can be. My conditioning taught me to be a people pleasing caretaker. I have always put everyone else first and it has hurt me severely. It's not that I wanted to be last, I just couldn't figure out how to put myself first without hurting someone else. Someone wins, someone loses. Me? Or them? Conditioning taught me to self-sacrifice.

What a terrible dilemma! Either I put myself first and feel selfish for hurting others, or I put everyone else first and I suffer. That is a no win situation. 

I'm learning. 

Being able to put yourself first is important in life. You are the most important person in your life. Without you, you have no life. Putting yourself first can be empowering and liberating. It is also how you get ahead. Putting yourself first is good, unless done at the cost of others. Then you are acting out of ego. You are saying "I am better than, more important than." You are creating hurt.

If done correctly, everyone benefits.

So...

what is the correct way?

I think I may have figured it out!

Each one of us must put ourselves first in order to thrive and survive.

Putting yourself first means you must cast off others. Use them as stepping stones. Use them to build a wall so you can find your rightful place at the top. Right?

Wrong.

Try looking at it as a race. Place yoursef first. 

Then...

grab the hands of those around you. Walk shoulder to shoulder, together, in the lead. If you get to a point where you feel the energy or need to surge ahead? Don't drop hands, pull them along! Set an example. Lead the way. Share the empowered feeling of being first. It will pay off if you stumble or tire. By that time, the bond between hands will be strong and it will be you who will be carried along until you have regained strength.

We all must work together in order to win the race.

The Human Race.

Look up. What do you see? Vastness. Eternity.

Does it make you feel small?

I'm sure it does if you stand alone.

Stand together.

Walk together.

Run if you have to.

Just don't let go.

If you feel yourself slipping?

I got you babe.

I am taking this moment in time to recognize that I have never put myself first. I am also realizing that I need to start. In doing so, I vow to hang on to the hands of all those I love, leaving no one behind and adding the hands that reach out to me. In putting myself first I will grow in self-esteem, in empowerment and in self. I will set an example and pass the feeling on through all the hands I hold.

The Write to Survive

I want to write.

There.

I said it.

I really, really want to write.

I want to write something brilliant.

Something moving.

Something important and inspiring and...

The same advice is given over and over.

Write what you know.

What if people don't want to know what I know?

What if I don't want people to know what I know?

What if I don't even want to know what I know?

What if what I know doesn't matter?

What if I know too much? too little?

I want my words to matter.

I don't want them to be judged.

Good luck with that, right?

This piece of wood represents how I feel lately.

Weathered and worn yet beautiful to the right eye.

So much lost yet so much left.

Fragile yet strong.

Lying silently still, full of untold stories.

I often feel lost.

Perhaps more hidden.

Like the decomposing log in the woods.

Quietly blending in, trying to survive,

yet in spite of all efforts, slowly weathering away.

Waiting to be found, to be seen, to have its beauty and story noticed, captured, appreciated.

Weathered and worn after many a storm.

My eyes bore deeper into the decomposing layers.

The answer emerges gently.

Life. Inside.

Much of my story is that of survival.

I still have so much life inside.

Screw survival.

It's time to live!

Dreaming

Cue the music!

I'm dreaming of a White Christmas!

I guess I should have clarified 'light and fluffy' vs. 'wet and sloppy'.

At least our tree is Merry and Bright.

Today is a snow day. The kids had all sorts of play dates planned with the idea of snowmen, snow forts and hot chocolate. 

 The snow came. Then the rain. More snow is scheduled to follow. Right now they would be stuck making slush men, so they are hunkered down with books and crafts. 

Today I am thankful for a warm house, the beautiful snow and the love and safety of my gorgeous children.

Weathered

I have not been feeling very chatty lately.

Wrapping up a very hard year.

Anxiously awaiting the unfolding of a new and (I pray) promising one. The recent brash of violence in the news has put its finishing touches on my depression.

I feel fragile, weathered, pulled tight, a bit like a barbed wire.

 I decided to go back and visit the pictures of a carving my husband recently finished. He was commissioned by a local to carve a female tree spirit rising out of her tree. She met with us. She chose him for the honor of carving. She honored me by suggesting he use me as his model. He made the spirit pregnant (unlike me) with new life rising out of the dying tree. Vine wrapped around her belly, arms raised in praise and protection of all that is natural in the world. She's a bit sad. Aren't we all?

Centering oneself with nature.

Sometimes it's the only way to feel okay.

12-12-12

Today is 12-12-12

In WI that means it's Aaron Rogers Day. (Packers #12)

In Las Vegas it means record wedding day (for luck)

In my house it means less than two weeks until Christmas and I don't have anything done!

Today is a day of cleaning, decorating, shopping and preparing for a few days of baking.

I had no warning that it was going to be a magical number day.

It doesn't feel magical.

I missed all the hype.

I've been too preoccupied with the numbers 12-21-12.

A flip of two numbers and the meaning is entirely changed.

From good luck

to

the end of the world.

All due to the order of two little digits.

I'm a bit more optimistic than that. 

I see 12-21-12 as the possibility of a new world.

With so many people focusing on the day being the possibility of the end of the world, even if they're not committed to believing it's really going to happen, the date has at least brought about an awareness of the possibility, which gets people thinking about what matters, what they want to change, how precious life is and how very fleeting. There is a movement of spiritual awakening happening across the globe and I believe there are many people focusing on the date as not the end of the world, but the end of the world as we know it. Raising an awareness of "we're all in it together" and "we are all connected". I believe with so much energy focused on one single day (and it has been focused there for some time) there is great potential that all the collected energy could mean big change. My hope it that it is a day of big positive change. The world won't end. Some will be laughing at the silliness of it all which will cover the globe in laughter. Some will be secretly relieved and relax filling the waves with calm happiness. Some will mark it as a day to make positive changes (like a second chance) putting more positive energy out there. It will be a day of Global Positivity and hopefully with enough love and positivity charging up the universe, it will be the first day of a new world. A world of people recognizing just how amazing the world actually is, how precious life is. How good happiness and love feel, and they will want to keep that feeling alive.

What Kids Really Want

Warning: Jolly Elf discussion. Not for little eyes.

Second born is in middle school. His school shares a project with the local grade schools. All first graders wrote letters to Santa. The letters were distributed to the middle school where they had the students elves respond.

Second born elf received a letter in which the child told Santa he (the child) wanted to give him(Santa) a gift this year since Santa is always giving to everyone else. The only other request in his letter was to have a fun and happy Christmas.

Simple and sweet, right?

Second born elf's best friend elf received a letter from a boy requesting two small toys. The boy also stated that if he could have his true wish for Christmas, it would be that his daddy would play with him more.

Ouch.

For Christmas this year, in honor of the letters to Santa, I am doling out extra hugs and love. I am praying the little boy's wish for time with his daddy comes true.

I am sharing this story in the hopes that it inspires all who are reading to slow down, sit in silence and feel the real Christmas spirit. Don't listen to the noisy media-bot and reach for your wallet to spread false holiday cheer. Dig deeper. Reach into your heart. Share fistfuls of love, armloads of hugs, mouthfuls of praise and compliments.

I wish all of  you a Heart Overflowing Holiday Season. Hugs all around.

This ornament has been on my tree for many years. When my oldest was just a wee lad we went to visit an old family friend. He spotted this Santa on her tree and plucked it off. He was fascinated by it. He grinned from ear to ear and would not take his eyes off of it. Diane, always full of love and generosity, insisted he keep the ornament as it obviously made him very happy. She passed away several years later, in her early 50's, of diabetes complications. Every year I hang Santa on the tree. With that ornament I hang memories of Diane, of her love, her generosity, her spirit. She resides in my tree every Christmas.

We interrupt this holiday season...

... with a bit of fall humor.

A few months back I was sitting at a local market show with Darling Husband and his amazing carvings. The show was slow and the air a bit chilly. I was quite tired so I slouched down in my chair, and threw my head back to rest. Looking up through the giant black walnut trees at the blue skies, the clouds were sailing by putting on a fabulous show of serenity.

After a bit my CIADD (child-bearing induced attention deficit disorder) kicked in and I started scanning the branches of the tree. Suddenly I noticed black walnuts waaaaaayyyyy up above us. At first I thought, "Holy cow! One of those babies could fall and knock us out!!!" My mind (remember the CIADD) quickly changed gears and I started laughing and giggling at the prospect that this tree was most definitely male as it had a pair of nuts!!! Ha ha ha!!!

Amusing myself and still looking up, I proceeded to voice my new found discovery of male tree genitalia to my Darling Husband. I sat up abruptly to point out the proof. With arm in the air pointing to the heavens and a grin on my face that I'm most certain reached from one ear to the other, it was then that I noticed he was standing with customers!!!! Drat. So much for acting professional.