Reaching Out - Holding On

So much violence. So many shootings.

They only seem to be getting worse.

The events that unfolded in Newtown, CT last friday are unfathomable. So many innocent lives lost. I have not written about it or talked about it much as I feel completely inadequate to do so.

Where are the words to heal the hurt?

Where are the words to soothe the suffering?

Where are the words to explain the unexplainable?

I tried to avoid much of the news. I didn't want to feed into the sensationalism. I didn't want my kids to fear. I didn't want to cry anymore. I didn't want to imagine the pain of those who lost loved ones. I didn't want it to be true.

I have been trying to figure out what I can do to help. I come up with nothing. I feel helpless.

I conjure up feelings of love to send out to the families. Love. It has to be the answer.

There is so much anger and fear and violence in the world.

We have to stop hating and hurting.

We must start healing.

How do we heal?

Love

I read about an eleven year old that brings a gun to school to protect himself and his classmates. I think, "Why is this happening?"

I read about a Texas school allowing teachers to bring guns to school to protect their students. I think, "Why is this happening?"

I am a considerable geographic distance away from Sandy Hook elementary, yet it is now in my own back yard.

The sickness seems to be spreading.

A grade school not even 40 miles away finds live ammo on the playground. A teen gets arrested for spouting about copycatting.

Now it is my child's school.

There have been rumors of a threat against the safety of the students and staff at my child's high school. The threat is set for 12-21-12. The police have been investigating.I received an automated call from the principal saying the students are safe as they feel the threats are unsubstantiated. The rumors continue and build. I do not feel it is safe. How can I? 

I again ask myself, "Why?"

I have no answers.

Anger, fear, frustration, desperation.

A lot of ugly feelings are surfacing for a lot of people.

Including me.

I ask that everyone try, try, try to feel love.

Don't feed the negative energy with more negative.

I am working on centering and focusing and loving.

Feeling love for my family.

Love for this life.

Love for the world.

Sirens flew by my house as I typed that last line.

The seventh time in 12 hours.

Sirens. Warnings.

Of what?

I don't know.

I'm feeling so helpless.

All I know to do is reach.

Keep reaching.

Reaching out and holding on to what is good.

If only by a single thread.

We must hold on to love.

Build on the good with good.

Reach. Hold. Love.

My heart and prayers go out to everyone.

I send you love.

Love

A well of love

with depths untold

heart sinking deep

feeling the cold turn warm

as the love transforms

heart to soul

feel it all

to the bottom together we sink

and it is good.

the urge

body hot

breath short and labored

thighs burning hot

heart racing

one million miles per hour

feeling so strong

tears exit my eyes

faster

faster

faster i pump

knowing the end is near

fighting the urge

to quit

 ~~~

exercise

 ~~~

it's such a bitch!

Why? What were you thinking?

*wink*

Enough

Enough

adj: sufficient

adv: sufficiently, fully, tolerably

pron: a sufficient quantity or amount

When is enough enough?

Why do we own more than enough yet still long for more?

Why don't we ever feel we are enough when we are so much?

The key lies within.

To conquer the insatiable thirst for more

we must realize we already "are" enough.

As is.

Come as you "are".

For you.

Think about it.

Just your mere existence.

Miraculous.

Breathe

The ability to draw in breath.

Inhale, exhale, inhale again.

Life.

You use your eyes to see.

To absorb the beauty around you.

To read and understand the words placed before you.

The words are processed and sink deep into your brain.

Thought.

Miraculous.

Feel.

Can you feel the warmth of your house?

A blanket?

A loved one's arms?

Along with the feel of touch comes the feel of emotions.

Feeling a hug with both body and soul.

Miraculous.

Your life is a gift.

Every day you wake.

Every celebration, every challenge.

Another moment gifted to you.

To learn, to love, to feel, to experience.

Don't wait for more 'stuff'

to feel enough.

Don't wait for acceptance from others

to feel enough.

As you are

You are enough.

Plain and simple.

 

 

You

 

are

 

enough.

 

 

(disclaimer: author has massive head cold. post produced through fog. hopefully comprehensible)

Choices

I've been stuck dealing with an energy vampire lately.

This vampire is coming at me with very strong negativity.

The attacks are becoming more frequent and longer lasting.

I am fighting the negativity with positivity.

Yesterday, I was wearing thin.

The attack was fervent.

My weapon was weakening and I was being pulled to the dark side.

In the end, I won but was worn way down.

Today I am look outside at the sunshine,

the colors, the beauty, the energy.

I am recharging my positivity reservoir

and preparing for another attack.

I am also hoping the attacker has found his way to the light.

Perhaps in taking my energy,

the attacker has stored some and replaced the negative

with the hijacked positive.

It will be a glorious day if I can keep my positive energy.

How about you?

Need a refill?

Look at these and drink it up!

Positive or negative.

No brainer.

I choose positivity!!!!

mess of emotion

My journal today looks a mess.

There is significance in this.

I look at my journal and self-judge. 

I am no artist. I wish I was.

Bad, negative feelings.

Obviously stemming from deep within.

Perhaps partially due to a life of doubt.

Stemming from two addict parents.

I sit here trying to figure out how many years of my life

both parents were sober at the same time.
Guess how many I came up with?
None.

Not too many I'm afraid.

I have dealt with a lot of crisis

involving mom

involving dad

current crisis included.

It's a mixed up, messed up story

that would take a book to write.

The feelings (as I tried to portray on the right)

seem to blend and bleed and dump into a big black hole.

Luckily for me

I have learned how to separate (for the most part)

that aspect of my life from the rest.

I am extremely thankful for that!

Nightmares

(I suffer from PTSD due to several events in my life. I have come a long way working through heavy issues. I am still affected. My biggest symptom now is recurrent nightmares. Wish there was something I could do. I try to keep a spiral by my bed. Strange what it captures. I woke from dreams the other night and wrote down the thoughts filling my head. I had forgotten what I had written. Today I picked up the spiral. It's always surreal to me. I don't necessarily remember the dreams days later as I have trained myself to forget and get over it. Obviously the feelings are deep. This is what I wrote.)

I have been diving deeper and deeper into myself.

Searching the depths of my soul.

Seeking truth, seeking self.

I find love.

Lots and lots of love.

It is promising.

Past this love,

deep down at the core of my being

I find fear and sadness.

They mingle and stir

and bubble to the surface.

Blip

Blip

Blip

Bubbles pop releasing their poison into my life.

Why?

 Why must I be afflicted by the thorns of childhood?

Thorns of past.

How do I heal?

How do I live?

(It's rather interesting. I don't remember the dream. I had forgotten what I had written. Yet for several days after I was in a depressive stupor. A feeling of anguish, darkness, failure, misery was riding through my days with me. This is what my dreams do to me even when I push them aside and excuse them. Now I am facing the feelings that lingered. I will excuse them as well. Today is a new day. A beautiful day. A bright and promising day. I will access the fire in my belly and move on with energy, expression, fascination at life. Today will be a day of happiness and love.)

fire courtesy of our backyard pit :)

Wordless Wednesday

Fearless

One of my beautiful fellow bloggers
entered a post today and posed the question
to her readers asking if they knew what it was like
to live fearless.

The one thing she states she is never fearful of
is sharing her artwork with her readers.

Funny. That's one of the things I most fear!!!

I'm not very good at vulnerability.

Art in any form is an expression of self
from deep within.

I love to create but rarely do it
simply because I know
I'm no Picasso,
or Mozart,
or Martha Stewart for that matter.

But I am me. I am original.
I am expressive.
and I want to be fearless of creating.

Thank you Silke for inspiring me to share
a little piece of me :)

(little wood block, painted edges, photo taken in a prairie, encaustic medium & technique added along with a friendly little spider)

Whew! That wasn't so bad.

Now to get the guts to put it in my Etsy Shop.
Ready...
...set...
...jump!

Random

Woke up with horrid back pain,
chiro doesn't have opening until tomorrow.
Looked out the window to see that four letter word...
S N O W!!!!
Must find energy and umph to clean house as company is coming for the weekend.

Strangely, my mood is not bad at all. ;)

Actually, I'm
feeling pretty random!
(wait a minute... is that a feeling? it is now!)

So here

is

a

random

photo!

Whatever!!!!!

Here's to Randomness in all it's fun and glory.
Go with the flow.
Be spontaneous.
Throw something random out there.
You never know what you'll get back!

What do you have for me?
Give me your best random thoughts :)

Cutting

Cutting

childhood
innocence
rock, paper, scissors
my first fiskars

naughty little mishaps
slitting rug
cutting hair

teen tools
razors
legs
cut
collage for wall

young adult
life's been hard
sharp objects
used to cut
causing bleeds
controlled pain
sweet relief

adulthood
growing, healing
learning, loving
cutting no longer requires sharp object

mind tools
cut fools
keep life simple and happy