Nightmares

(I suffer from PTSD due to several events in my life. I have come a long way working through heavy issues. I am still affected. My biggest symptom now is recurrent nightmares. Wish there was something I could do. I try to keep a spiral by my bed. Strange what it captures. I woke from dreams the other night and wrote down the thoughts filling my head. I had forgotten what I had written. Today I picked up the spiral. It's always surreal to me. I don't necessarily remember the dreams days later as I have trained myself to forget and get over it. Obviously the feelings are deep. This is what I wrote.)

I have been diving deeper and deeper into myself.

Searching the depths of my soul.

Seeking truth, seeking self.

I find love.

Lots and lots of love.

It is promising.

Past this love,

deep down at the core of my being

I find fear and sadness.

They mingle and stir

and bubble to the surface.

Blip

Blip

Blip

Bubbles pop releasing their poison into my life.

Why?

 Why must I be afflicted by the thorns of childhood?

Thorns of past.

How do I heal?

How do I live?

(It's rather interesting. I don't remember the dream. I had forgotten what I had written. Yet for several days after I was in a depressive stupor. A feeling of anguish, darkness, failure, misery was riding through my days with me. This is what my dreams do to me even when I push them aside and excuse them. Now I am facing the feelings that lingered. I will excuse them as well. Today is a new day. A beautiful day. A bright and promising day. I will access the fire in my belly and move on with energy, expression, fascination at life. Today will be a day of happiness and love.)

fire courtesy of our backyard pit :)