Weathered

I have not been feeling very chatty lately.

Wrapping up a very hard year.

Anxiously awaiting the unfolding of a new and (I pray) promising one. The recent brash of violence in the news has put its finishing touches on my depression.

I feel fragile, weathered, pulled tight, a bit like a barbed wire.

 I decided to go back and visit the pictures of a carving my husband recently finished. He was commissioned by a local to carve a female tree spirit rising out of her tree. She met with us. She chose him for the honor of carving. She honored me by suggesting he use me as his model. He made the spirit pregnant (unlike me) with new life rising out of the dying tree. Vine wrapped around her belly, arms raised in praise and protection of all that is natural in the world. She's a bit sad. Aren't we all?

Centering oneself with nature.

Sometimes it's the only way to feel okay.

Step Fearlessly

(To break the captivating spell of a melancholy mood, sometimes all one needs to do is play!)

Sadness presses hard against my back.

A dark cloud.

A familiar shroud.

Life’s big questions going unanswered.

I stop, stare, see nothing but darkness ahead

peering from the crevices of the unknown.

Nearby shadows mock my mood

whispering and beckoning me forward to more of the same.

As I move ahead, pulled to darkness, a reflection on the wall stops me in my tracks.

The source of light?

Angels wings.

They sing their choral splendor of faith, their voices familiar and safe.

A feeling of grace washes over me.

The cloak becomes weightless, floating away, carried by the beauty of the natural world.

No longer seeing doom in the darkness,

I move forward planting firm foot to ground and step willingly into my life.

Been A While

Hello Blog Land.

It's been a while.

Sorry for my absence.

~~~

Have you ever experienced something in life that turned your world upside down?

Have you ever had a time where you felt as if you were drowning?

No matter how hard you fought to reach the surface, you just couldn't catch your breath?

That's how it's been for me lately.

It's been hard.

~~~

I've been trying to learn from this experience.

I have been trying to remember to breathe.

Mostly, I have been soul searching through tears.

~~~

I am in the process of healing my heart,

cleansing my soul and clearing my mind.

I have had trouble visiting this page.

What do I write?

I don't have sunshine and happiness to share.

I don't have wise words and silly stories.

I'm feeling much better and starting to smile again.

Still, how do I transition back to the page?

The words have been fighting me.

~~~

I have come to this space time and time again looking at the blank page.

The blank page just stares back at me.

Today I offer up this honest bit for what it's worth.

Not much to say.

No sense to make.

Just me, trying to find the words once again.

~~~

Step One.

Post something.

Anything.

The following are photos of a wind chime I made recently. A little art therapy.

Every centimeter of this wind chime has personal meaning.

When the wind comes along, it plays a healing reminder.

If you're here in this space, blessings to you for hanging in there with me.

If you're experiencing your own personal pain, prayers of healing to you.

A piece of fiction

childhood calling

Living in the deepest darkest room of her mind kept the world from intruding. It was safe and it was the chosen spot. Magical thoughts permeated the walls of the room originating from her imagination bringing a kaleidoscope of color which she played with and danced in. Rocking... rocking... back and forth brought comfort and kept the light at bay. Light was the enemy. Sarah did not dare face the light for that's where the voices were. The voices she once loved.

There was a time, a vague memory when the voices felt good. Inviting. Happy. She remembers happiness. Barely.

Then came the darkness. It enveloped her. There was bad. The darkness hid the bad. It hid the good as well but she was willing to sacrifice the good to cover up the evil lurking.

After the darkness, the occasional voice permeated the walls of her room. They had changed.

"Come back to us Sarah. We love you." said the voice who called itself mother.

"What's wrong with her? Why does she act so strange?" said the voice of brother.

Sarah knew that the voices lurked. She felt them trying to penetrate the walls of safety.

But the darkness moved over her like a cloak and she dove deep inside. Deep, deep in her mind where she had control. She found a safe place to rest. The room so deep and dark. Refuge. She has lived there a very long time now. Pulling magic and imagination in. Her own little world safe from the outside. It was lonely at times. It was then that she would turn to face a corner and begin to rock. Movement. Constant. Rocking, rocking, gently swaying. Reliable, secure, safe rocking.

Until one day. A noise. It was a most peculiar noise. Sarah would normally block all noise. The least little bit to make it to her dark place was rejected and expelled back to the life she no longer embraced. This noise was different. It was soft, gentle, angelic in nature. Almost as if it were singing to her soul. She had to strain to hear. She wanted more.

Leaving the dark room she slowly, suspiciously worked her conscious mind back through the path that led to her safe spot. It had been a long time. She wasn't sure if she would find her way. But that noise. That lovely noise.

"Follow the noise" she told herself. "It will lead you back. You must find what is making that beautiful sound. Capture it and bring it back."

She moved her body across the room to the open window. She turned her face toward the light for the first time in years. Glancing through her eyes at the world around her ever so briefly, the first sight she caught was the glistening of the dew on the morning lawn. The water shimmered so close to the beauty from her imaginary world she almost felt safe. Once again she forced herself to see. She looked up. That's when she saw...

I am leaving this piece of writing open for your interpretation. I'm not sure where it came from or why. It seems to be a combination of a memoir I am reading combined with recent happenings in my life all crashing together to form this fictional tidbit. 

The photo does not necessarily represent the story. I took it at the park last evening and fell in love with it. I'm calling it "Childhood Calling". It is unedited, though I may play with it at a later date.

Disaster

Today I am taking care of a sick little one and feeling

thankful (after watching the horrors in Japan)

for the ability to keep him warm

take him to the doctor

and hold him tight.

So much loss, so much devastation over seas.

May you count your blessings today

as I will be counting mine.

If you feel inclined to donate to relief efforts in Japan

click

abc news - Japan Disaster Relief: Where to give

Exhausted

Been away.

Did you miss me?

Guess where I was?

Vegas Baby!

First time I ever left the family.

I'm exhausted.

Went away for a trade show.

Stayed at a luxury hotel.

Good and bad in the trip.

good

food was amazing!!!!

four girls traveling together = lots of laughter

didn't lose money at the casino

watched an awesome band

flew without freaking out (too bad)

trip re-confirmed my love for my simple life

bad

one noise machine + one snorer + 3am bedtime = NO SLEEP!!!!

the place was freakin' expensive!!!

threw out my back BAD

smoke city in the casino

not my lifestyle (out of element)

missed flight home causing travel nightmare

came home to more BS political news (depressing)

Add exhaustion to pms and you have one moody blogger.

The following picture best represents my post-trip state.

Out of focus, dark, confused. Lots more to it. Let the picture speak.

If you have reached this point in your reading, 

I thank you for taking the time. The support is appreciated.

Time

It's been one hell of a week here. The down time taken from my blog this week has been much needed. The events of this week have me thinking about time. About how very relevant it really is. As I walk around my house thinking about time, I look at the clocks. They are everywhere. We look at clocks and think, "Oops! Better hurry. Going to be late for school." or "Don't forget about that 2pm appointment." or "Boy, that time sure flew by!".

As I look at the clocks I notice how they differ in time. Some hold true, some are a bit delayed or fast, yet others have run out of battery and no longer tick. That reminds me of a poem I wrote a bit back.

Hands of the clock

Tickety tock

Seem to be mocking me

As I live on borrowed time

I am forever soul

But the mind wants more

Tick tock

Tickety tock

                  ~Lynn Retzlaff

Our time on earth is limited.  The dance cards are handed out, some with more room than others. What do you do when you find out someone you love has a card that is almost filled?

You dance with them. You don't worry about what song is playing, who is watching, where you'll go to eat later, what time it is. You take their hand, hold them close to your heart and dance.

It is sad how we rush through life dwelling on the past, worrying about the future, filling our time with appointments stressing about maintaining perfect houses. A child wants to hear a story but there are dishes to be done. Bills to be paid.

Time is relevant.

"Time flies when you're having fun."
"This test is taking FOREVER!"
"The kids have grown in the blink of an eye."
"Will this light ever change?"

But it's only relevant when it's there. It's only there for a limited time.

I found out someone very close to me has stage four incurable cancer. The amount of time? Unsure.
I will do my best to be present, really present in every moment I am blessed to spend with him. I will dance and I will pray.

May you read this and think of your loved ones, of your time with them. Take their hand, hold them close, ask them to dance. We must practice mindfulness, slowing down, spending time. Real, conscious, in the moment time. Practice makes perfect.

Nightmares

(I suffer from PTSD due to several events in my life. I have come a long way working through heavy issues. I am still affected. My biggest symptom now is recurrent nightmares. Wish there was something I could do. I try to keep a spiral by my bed. Strange what it captures. I woke from dreams the other night and wrote down the thoughts filling my head. I had forgotten what I had written. Today I picked up the spiral. It's always surreal to me. I don't necessarily remember the dreams days later as I have trained myself to forget and get over it. Obviously the feelings are deep. This is what I wrote.)

I have been diving deeper and deeper into myself.

Searching the depths of my soul.

Seeking truth, seeking self.

I find love.

Lots and lots of love.

It is promising.

Past this love,

deep down at the core of my being

I find fear and sadness.

They mingle and stir

and bubble to the surface.

Blip

Blip

Blip

Bubbles pop releasing their poison into my life.

Why?

 Why must I be afflicted by the thorns of childhood?

Thorns of past.

How do I heal?

How do I live?

(It's rather interesting. I don't remember the dream. I had forgotten what I had written. Yet for several days after I was in a depressive stupor. A feeling of anguish, darkness, failure, misery was riding through my days with me. This is what my dreams do to me even when I push them aside and excuse them. Now I am facing the feelings that lingered. I will excuse them as well. Today is a new day. A beautiful day. A bright and promising day. I will access the fire in my belly and move on with energy, expression, fascination at life. Today will be a day of happiness and love.)

fire courtesy of our backyard pit :)